


wide awake and paper thin

by bitseaa



Category: Haikyuu!!
Genre: Angst with a Happy Ending, Canon Compliant, M/M, Mutual Pining, Star Tears, for the most part I think
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-08-20
Updated: 2020-10-05
Packaged: 2021-03-06 15:08:20
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 7
Words: 20,367
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26000905
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/bitseaa/pseuds/bitseaa
Summary: He really, really hoped this wasn’t what he thought it was.His breath caught in his throat as the search page finally loaded.Fuck.There, under the search bar currently occupied by 'star tears early pictures', sat rows upon rows of images mirroring the very thing he held in his hand.Suga starts crying star tears. He copes the best he can.
Relationships: Sawamura Daichi/Sugawara Koushi, Tsukishima Kei/Yamaguchi Tadashi
Comments: 104
Kudos: 321





	1. took long enough to get back here, crying

**Author's Note:**

> I've seen star tears aus cropping up in other fandoms, so I figured I'd give it a go after an extensive conversation with my friends!
> 
> If you don't know, star tears is a fictional disease similar to Hanahaki disease in that it is caused by unrequited (perceived or actual) love. The effected person cries glowing, glass-like tears which eventually blind them if their love is forever unrequited. The only cure is reciprocation of feelings. 
> 
> Personally, I find the concept fascinating, and I hope I've done it justice here. Enjoy :)
> 
> (Title and chapter titles are lyrics from Televised by HUNNY)

Sugawara Koushi was having a pretty good day, all things considered. 

Practice was running smoothly, despite their lack of any sort of coach. Daichi was the best captain they could’ve hoped for: strong, dependable, talented. Now if only he could wipe the memory of the vice principal's toupee atop his best friend’s head from his mind; he was getting a little tired of stifling his sudden giggles. 

“Suga, are you even listening?” 

_Speak of the devil_. Suga blinked confusedly at Daichi. 

“Er- no. Sorry, kinda zoned out,” he answered, hoping Daichi wouldn’t ask why. He was already put out enough after their encounter with the new first years, Suga didn’t want to add insult to injury.

Lucky for him, Daichi simply sighed. 

“I just asked if you wanted to wrap things up. Everyone’s looking pretty tired, and I want to get a head start studying for that English quiz.” He explained, to which Suga nodded.

“Sure, my mom’s cooking ramen tonight, she offered to make extra if you wanted to come over and study together." He shot Daichi a dazzling smile in response to the one that lit up the captain’s face at the mention of his favorite food. 

“That sounds great!” Daichi said, then added louder, so the rest of the team could hear, “Alright everyone! Good work today, clean up and I’ll see you all bright and early tomorrow.” 

He was met with a chorus of “yessir!”s, chanted in startling synchronization (in Suga’s humble opinion). 

Suga rubbed at his eyes as he headed to the club room. They had been bothering him all day, which was odd considering it wasn’t his allergy season for a few months. Maybe he was coming down with something, but he doubted it, he really wasn’t one to get sick often. 

After a quick swipe of deodorant and a change of clothes, Suga found himself propped against the wall watching the second years sweep up. It was nice to finally be a third year in that regard, even if it meant significantly more academic stress. Daichi found his way over soon enough and jangled the gym keys in his face.

“You sure are lost in thought today, Sug’. About ready to lock up?” 

“Mhm,” he knocked his shoulder into Daichi’s as he pushed off the wall. To Suga’s endless dismay, his friend hardly flinched at all. 

_He’s like a damn brick wall. A thoughtful, caring, attractive br-_

Suga shut that thought down as Daichi finished locking up the gym. They started in the direction of the Sugawara apartment.

“It’ll be good to see your mom again, it’s been a while.” Suga could only snort in response.

“Tell me about it. I feel like all she says to me is ‘when’s Dai-chan coming back, Koushi?? ‘ Daichi this. Daichi that. It’s like you’re the second son she never had” 

Daichi’s laugh when he put on a falsetto to imitate his mother’s voice never failed to make Suga’s heart swell, and today was no exception. He only felt a little guilty that it was at his mom’s expense. Just a little.

“Guess you’d better step up your game and earn the family name before I’m adopted over you. Sugawara Daichi, how do you like the sound of that?”

Suga blushed up to his ears at the implications of such a name change and prayed to every god out there that his voice wouldn’t come out as garbled as his mind suddenly felt. 

“Oh keep dreaming _Sawamura_ ,” he managed to get out in an even tone, _thank god_ , “As if your parents would let their prized athlete go that easily.”

Red dusted Daichi’s cheeks at the compliment. _Cute_.

The itching in his eyes was back though. _Not quite so cute_. 

He swiped an arm across his face, and Daichi shot him a curious look. 

“Your eyes bothering you?” He asked, voice gentle as he held the door to Suga’s apartment complex open. Suga made his way into the lobby.

“They’re just sort of itchy, no big deal,” he shrugged. Daichi could be overprotective at times, not that he minded, really. Daichi pressed the button for the elevator and hummed in contemplation. As they entered, he settled for agreement, it seemed.

“If you say so, but take care of yourself, you hear?” Suga offered him a stuck out tongue in response. 

“You sound like my mom, maybe that’s why she likes you so much,” he retorted.

That earned him a chuckle. Suga wondered if maybe he should stop going out of his way to make Daichi laugh, it couldn’t be good for his heart. Their shoulders brushed as they entered his floor and he found that he didn’t really care about his heart health as much as he probably should. Suga fumbled with his keys for a moment when they reached his door, but he managed to turn the lock and push inside.

“I’m home!” he called out to his mom, “and Daichi’s staying for dinner!” The _so don’t do anything embarrassing_ was implied.

Obviously his mother didn’t get the memo.

With a shriek of “Dai-chan!!!” the whirlwind that was Mama Sugawara descended upon the unsuspecting captain. 

“Ah! Sugawara-san, nice to see you!” cheered Daichi, taking the barrage of kisses to his cheeks in stride. 

“Mom, please stop mauling Daichi,” Suga sighed, though honestly he hadn’t expected any better. His mother took a step back, hands resting at Daichi’s elbows. 

“Oh, I’m sorry! I’m just excited to see him! Dai-chan, my little Koushi hasn’t been keeping you, has he?” Daichi let out a hearty laugh at the question and Suga’s face split into a small smile at the sound.

“Nothing like that, we’ve just both been busy,” he answered honestly, they’d been swimming in work between school and practice. 

“Oh you poor baby,” Suga’s mom cooed, suddenly whipping around to shake her finger at her son. “Koushi!! Take your shoes off already!”

Suga decided not to comment on the fact that Daichi still had his shoes on too. He really didn’t know who had the bigger soft spot for Daichi, him or his mom.

Probably him.

•••

Suga lightly shook his head as he sat down in bed, trying desperately to dispel the faint tinkling sound that had been nagging at him since Daichi left an hour ago. He was sure it wasn’t anything more than just his ear ringing, but strangely it didn’t seem to be coming from inside his ear. 

It finally stopped just as he heard a sharp vibration from his phone. 

It was almost embarrassing how fast he had his phone unlocked and opened to messages in his hand.

**from Daichi Sawamura 9:37 p.m**

_Goodnight Suga... You’d better be getting ready for bed, we already studied plenty today._

Suga bit his lip to tried and control the grin that was quickly taking over his face.

**to Daichi Sawamura 9:37 p.m.**

_already on it, wouldn’t want to disappoint my captain now would I? don’t tell him i said so, but he has the scariest angry face!! :0_

**from Daichi Sawamura 9:38 p.m**

_Har har, your hilarity knows no bounds._

**from Daichi Sawamura 9:39 p.m**

_I’m serious though, go to sleep. >:( _

**to Daichi Sawamura 9:39p.m.**

_DAICHIII!!!!! YOU USED AN EMOTICON :D_

**from Daichi Sawamura 9:39 p.m**

_Suga_.

**to Daichi Sawamura 9:40 p.m.**

_daichi :)_

**from Daichi Sawamura 9:40p.m**

_Sugawara_.

**to Daichi Sawamura 9:40 p.m.**

_daichi! :))_

**from Daichi Sawamura 9:40p.m**

_Koushi_. 

Suga stared at this phone as his eyesight went a little blurry which, _weird_ , but it went away as soon as he rubbed at his eyes.

**to Daichi Sawamura 9:42 p.m.**

_ok fine_

**to Daichi Sawamura 9:42 p.m.**

_night dai, sleep well!!_

With no response immediately forthcoming, Suga felt himself deflate. _Maybe I pushed a little too far with my teasing._

He set his alarm and chided himself to do better tomorrow. Moving to lay down, a sudden _buzz_ from his phone startled him.

**from Daichi Sawamura 9:47 p.m**

_Sorry, Mei wanted me to tuck her in. See you tomorrow! :)_

Suga wasn’t even ashamed of how quickly his mood flipped at just one message. He could just play it off as being amused by Daichi’s sister’s antics, but after two years of pining he figured he owed himself a moment of honesty. Feeling a grin tugging at the corners of his mouth once more, he tipped his head back and simply reveled in the feeling. Texting Daichi made him feel warm, safe. For the first time in a while, he allowed himself to think that having a crush wasn’t so ba-

 _clink_.

Suga’s eyes shot down to his lap. 

He blinked. 

He blinked again.

_A glass bead...?_

Hesitantly, he held the small shard up to the light. It had an almost ethereal glow to it, with a pale blue undertone. _Beautiful_ was his first thought. _Fuck_ was his second. 

....And his third. And quite possibly his fourth, but it was a toss up between that and _oh my fucking god holy shit_. Who knew? He certainly didn’t.

Suga didn't spare a second glance as his phone clattered to the floor in his rush to get out of bed and to his laptop. His fingers were shaking as they pounded his password in.

He really, _really_ hoped this wasn’t what he thought it was.

His breath caught in his throat as the search page finally loaded.

 _Fuck_. 

There, under the search bar currently occupied by _star tears early pictures,_ sat rows upon rows of images mirroring the very thing he held in his hand. Suga stared listlessly at his computer for what felt like hours. The tinkling that had returned to his ear was almost fully drowned out by the buzzing in his head.

He was crying star tears. Well, tear if he was feeling cheeky, but he really didn’t think he had the emotional capacity for that at the moment. Either way, it was romantic fairytale _bullshit_. Fingers rubbed furiously at the corners of his eyes. Nothing more came out. The tinkling ceased.

Slowly, Suga reached out for his keyboard again. A few clicks and he was on a verified medical website. A few more and he was in the middle of the page on star tears.

**Rare Disorders—Star Tears**

**_Cause_ **

_Though not much is known about how the disease in contracted, experts agree that star tears are a result of genuine or perceived unrequited love. Reciprocation of feelings is the only known cure_.

A shiver ran up his spine and he skipped down to the segment on symptoms.

**_Symptoms_ **

* _itchy/irritated eyes_

_* glass like noises_

_* production of solid, glass like shards from the tear ducts_

_* loss of color in vision_

_* impaired vision_

_* if left untreated, may result in_ **_permanent blindness_ ** _._

_Color and luminosity vary by patient and emotional state. Oftentimes symptoms worsen in the presence of the object of the patient’s affections. Please contact a medical expert immediately if symptoms persist._

Suga felt his stomach drop to the floor as panic welled in its place. It felt like his heart was pounding in his throat.

_fuck. oh my god. fuck. fuckfuckfuckfuck. why the fuck is this happening to me._

A voice that sounded suspiciously like Daichi’s rang in his mind.

_Come on Sug’, breathe with me, you’re overthinking again._

Whereas usually picturing the captain’s kind words would help, now thinking of Daichi only bolstered the panic mounting in his body. He clapped a hand over his mouth as a sob wracked his body. The last thing he wanted was his mom bursting in on him. 

He was going to go blind.

Hot, wet tears rolled down his face, _real ones_ , not some destructive glass mimicry. 

He was going to go _blind_.

He buried his face into his arms, crying out louder at the fuzzy darkness that mocked him there.


	2. without sweet misery by my side

By 5 a.m. Suga had written sleep off entirely as a possibility. At the very least, his earlier overwhelming panic had faded into a hollow sort of resignation. 

Thumbing idly at the two new tears (bright blue and glowing this time) that had joined his collection over night, he decided to cut his losses and just get ready for school. As he put on his clothes, he mulled over the patient accounts he’d spent the night reading. 

If said experiences were anything to go by, he had about 6 months, give or take, before his vision would fade completely. Before that point, there were special eye drops and glasses that would help him once his eyes started fading and the tears fell with more frequency, but at the end of the day, he was going to have to learn to live without sight. 

Which, besides the obvious life changing consequences, posed many other problems. 

How he was going to break it to his mother, for one. She was stressed enough as it was.

How he’d even play, or explain it to the team, for another. 

To Daichi. 

_Daichi._

Cold fear unfurled in Suga’s chest. Daichi would freak out if he knew he was crying star tears. Demand to know who it was for, possibly intimidate and interrogate said person. _Overprotective to a fault._ Suga’s heart clenched at the thought.

Ironic, considering that person was himself.

So yes, Sugawara Koushi had a number of problems, his primary concern being that he was crying star tears for one Sawamura Daichi. Who was his best friend. That didn’t love him like that. And would 100% blame himself for Suga’s oncoming disability if he ever found out the true cause. 

Plus, though perhaps a little less pressing, he now had the beginnings of a pounding headache knocking at his temples. _Fantastic._

His mom was already seated at the island in the kitchen when he made his way out of his room. 

“Kou, you’re up early today. Something for school?” she asked, sliding a mug of tea in front of him as he took a seat next to her. 

She looked at peace for once, he didn't want to ruin that. 

“Mm, early practice,” he lied, hiding behind the rim of his mug. His mother simply raised her eyebrows.

“At this hour? Well, I suppose Dai-chan knows what he’s doing,” She sighed.

Suga brought his free hand up to rub at his eyes, it seemed just hearing Daichi’s name was enough to spark an uncomfortable pricking there. _How fun._

“Mhm,” he set his mug down with a _clink_ that already had him wincing instinctively. His mom cast him a worried glance.

“Everything okay, sweetheart?” Suga felt a stab of guilt at that. His mom really didn’t deserve to deal with this after she just worked the night shift at the hospital.

“I’m fine, mom, just tired,” he mumbled, standing and slinging his backpack over his shoulder to leave before he could make her more worried.

“Okay Kou, be safe. I love you!” she chimed, moving to drape his coat on his back and wrap a pale blue scarf over his shoulders. Suga couldn’t say he liked the color much anymore.

“Love you mom, go get some sleep,” he called on his way out, locking the door behind him. 

Suga kept his eyes trained on his feet as he walked. There wasn’t much to see at this hour, the sun hadn’t even risen yet. Letting out a yawn, he mulled over his options.

The sooner he told his mom, the sooner he could see a doctor and get a hold of some suppressant eye drops.

The problem with that, though, was dealing with the consequences of telling his mom. She’d be distraught, probably take time off work to take care of him, even if he didn’t need that sort of help yet. Really, it was the last thing she needed. 

He dug his fingers into his palm. There was no way he could do this alone.

Admitting what was happening to someone, though, that sounded like hammering the last nail in the coffin of his hope. Pebbles on the side walk seemed like good targets for his frustration. 

Before he knew it, he was at the entrance of the gym. The doors were unlocked, but Suga wasn’t concerned. Tanaka hadn’t exactly been sneaky in grabbing the spare key after practice yesterday, though he at least evaded Daichi’s notice, which he supposed was the point. 

He slid the door open and peered inside. Twin surprised looks greeted him from Hinata and Kageyama (if he was remembering correctly). Tanaka stood to the side looking slightly bashful, but not at all shocked to see him.

“Hey,” he greeted, headache almost forgotten at the hilarity of the new first years’ frozen expressions. 

“How did you know we were here???” shrieked the shorter one, and there was the throbbing again, Suga really couldn’t catch a break today. 

“Tanaka here isn’t exactly subtle,” He raised a hand to prevent the second year’s explanatory ramble, “Relax. I’m not gonna tell Daichi.”

Tanaka fixed him with his best intimidating “tough guy” face. Suga met him with his own disapproving leer. Tanaka looked away first.

He didn’t fight the smirk that pulled at his mouth. _Small victories._ He set to work on helping the underclassmen, he needed a distraction. 

•••

Suga slipped into class a minute before the bell rang. When his eyes met Daichi’s, his friend looked disappointed. He offered him a mouthed _sorry_ in apology. Usually they’d come early to chat. 

Suga wasn’t really feeling up to it just then.

Daichi shot him an understanding smile.The resulting rush of serotonin wasn’t quite enough to mask the pricking in his eyes. He rubbed a thumb into the corners and smiled back.

As the teacher began to lecture, it took all of Suga’s energy just to stay awake. With everything going on, he really couldn’t bring himself to care in the slightest about mathematics. The lunch bell rang after what felt like seven years.

“Suga?” His brain took a moment to comprehend that he was being spoken to. He turned after a moment to face the speaker. 

“Oh Daichi,” he stifled a yawn beneath his hand, “hey.”

“Hey yourself,” came the captain’s reply, “you look tired. You didn’t lie about going to bed, did you?”

A wave of anxiety washed over Suga and he scrambled for an excuse. 

“Nope, wouldn’t risk your wrath like that!” He pushed down the nervous laugh bubbling in his throat. “In fact, I slept past my alarm, I just didn't have time to get my caffeine fix,” _convincing enough._ He hoped so at least.

“Well in that case, take the rest of my coffee.” Daichi’s laugh was warmer than the tumbler he was promptly handed. Suga’s fears melted at the sound, and he couldn’t help the giddy noise that escaped him. 

“I couldn’t possibly, that’s yours,” he said, but didn’t resist as Daichi continued to press the drink into his hands. 

“I’m all done, drink it,” he insisted, and Suga took a sip, if only to oblige his friend.

He immediately regretted it upon realizing the coffee was black. 

“Psychopath!” he managed to choke out between coughs, “I forgot you drank your coffee black!” 

“I figured,” Daichi snickered, “You just want straight for it.” Suga let out a dramatic gasp.

“ _Daichi_ , you just tried to kill me! That’s evil!” The absolute villain simply grabbed his hand and hauled him to his feet. Suga tried not to think about how strong he was.

“Maybe, but you’re smiling now, so I’d say it was worth it,” Daichi responded, his smirk softening into something more gentle. Suga’s heart fluttered desperately in his chest.

“I suppose I am,” he agreed all too readily, unable to come across as anything but unabashedly fond.

His eyes stung for the rest of the day.

•••

Hiding the tears grew more difficult by the day. Daichi kept asking him if he’d been hearing odd noises lately too.

_No._ He’d answered every time, guilt brewing into a sickening pit in his stomach. 

The growing pile of tears at the bottom of his bag seemed to laugh at him.

•••

Asahi was back in the club by the time he managed to convince himself to tell his mother.

Daichi seemed to breathe significantly easier with Asahi and Noya on the roster, which meant he was smiling at Suga more. Normally he’d be elated. Now though, he was just on edge.

Daichi’s smile had been prompting star tears at bad times as of late. So much so that Suga had taken to plastering his eyes to the board during class. Daichi had seemed a little miffed at first when he had stopped responding to the notes he passed, but as much as he hated to do it, Suga simply couldn’t risk a sudden burst of emotion exposing his ailment. 

He could tell his best friend knew something was off. In fact, he’d received _“how are you”_ and _“you can tell me anything”_ texts on the daily for the past week. Ironically enough, Daichi’s concern (and the things it did to his weak, weak heart) had resulted in a growing pile of the tears. The pouch he’d been keeping them in was almost full, if this kept up, he would have to find a new place to store them.

At the moment though, he was more concerned with the task before him. His hand was shaking over the doorknob of his apartment. Taking a deep breath, he took the plunge.

“Mom, I’m ho-“ he paused when he saw his mom already seated at the counter, two plates sitting side by side on the granite, “Oh. Sorry I’m late.” He kicked his shoes off with his feet and hurried next to her.

“You’re just in time! I made your favorite,” she watched him for a minute, as if deciding whether to continue, “You’ve seemed kind of... down, lately. I wanted to do something to help.” 

Guilt crawled up Suga’s throat. If his mother was worried now....

“I uh... about that. I wanted to talk to you about something,” He started, already feeling horrible for even having to have this conversation. His mother gasped.

“You didn’t get into a fight with Dai-chan, did you?” 

Suga screwed his eyes shut at the mention of Daichi.

Not fast enough, if the _plink_ against his plate was anything to go by.

Silence. Slowly, he cracked an eye open. Pinched between his mother’s fingers sat a small, glassy shard. So much for his plan.

“Koushi,” her strangled voice made his heart clench “...what’s this?”

Suga had to look away.

A beat passed.

Then another.

“Are you in love with someone else?”

_What?_

“What? Someone _else?_ ” he asked, not at all liking the implications of that phrasing. His mother paled.

“A-Are you and Dai-chan not...?” 

“Not what?!” His hands clenched into the fabric of his pants. His voice was breaking. He didn’t care.

“I thought... I thought you were just waiting to tell me!” his mother stared at him with wide eyes.

_Did she seriously think that-_

A shower of tinkling noises interrupted his train of thought. His eyes were throbbing.

”Koushi, oh god, your eyes!!” Suga watched in horror as tears scattered across the counter. He pressed the heels of his palms into his eyes, praying it would stop.

“I’m calling the doctor! Oh lord, your _eyes_ _!_ ” With that his mother took off to grab her phone. 

Suga carefully pulled his hands away from his face. The tears kept falling. He’d never seen this many at once.

_clink. clink. clink._

His eyes? 

He stood and made his way to the bathroom on shaking legs. Brushing his hair out of his face, he leaned in close to the mirror.

His _eyes._

The pupils were blown wide, wide open. They were scattered with glimmering white spots.

There were literal stars in his eyes. 

“Fuck. Oh my god, _fuck._ ” 

Tears were welling up again. The pressure in his head was unbearable. He felt like it was going to pop.

“Koushi?! Where did you go?” his mom cried from the other room. Suga let out a strangled sob, and she came running in.

“I just got off the phone with the doctor, we’re going in first thing tomorrow. I’ll write you a note for school,” she said, words tumbling over one another.

Suga nodded, head in his hands. They both stood there for a moment, neither making a sound.

_clink. clink. clink._

“Go eat you dinner honey, I'll clean these up. We can talk more when you feel comfortable,” his mother uttered at last.

Neither moved. 

Slowly his mother raised her arms. Suga collapsed into them. He felt her lips press against his hair as she cooed soothing nonsense.

“I know honey, I know.”


	3. my ignorant state of bliss

Suga fiddled with the prescription bag in his lap as his mother hummed along quietly to whatever pop song was playing from the car speakers. The doctors visit had gone smoothly, aside from the borderline ridiculous amount of time they’d spent waiting between vision testing and glasses fitting. 

_These drops should last you about eight hours, but be warned, all the tears suppressed will come out at once. Many patients report intense pain when the tears are released. Overdosage will lead to temporary vision impairment._

That’s what the doctor had told him at least. He clenched his fingers around the bag. It would be worth it, he knew his friends were suspicious.

“Kou, honey, we’re at school” chirped his mother. Suga looked out the window. 

“Oh. Didn’t realize...thanks for the ride, mom. And uh, everything else,” he murmured the last bit, stuffing his prescription in his school bag and popping open the door. 

She smiled at him, voice soft, if not a little brittle.

“Of course,” she said, “please be careful, okay?” he nodded and hopped out of the car. As she drove off, Suga took a glance around his surroundings. Judging by the groups of students outside, he figured it was safe to assume it was lunch hour.

He made his way to the inner courtyard, eyes falling on the tree where he and Daichi, often joined by Asahi or Kiyoko, tended to eat on sunny days.

Sure enough, there sat Daichi. Suga’s mood lifted just at the sight of him. It just as quickly came crashing down at the sight of his company, though.

Michimiya Yui.

He didn’t dislike the girl herself by any means, in fact he’d even say they were friends. No, it was just that her feelings for Daichi were painfully clear.

The two captains made a picturesque pair sitting under the shade together, laughing, brushing against each other.

Suga’s eye twitched and something small thudded against his shoe. He chanced a glance downwards.

A green tear, that was new. 

He crouched quickly and stashed it in his bag before anyone could see. Michimiya was laughing at something Daichi said, leaning on his shoulder. A sudden burning flared up in his eyes.

Suga bit his lip and booked it into the school. He stumbled into the bathroom and peered into the mirror. His pupils were blown wide and sparkling again.

He grasped desperately for his bag, throwing it open and grabbing at the prescription wrapping. He pulled the bottle of eye drops out and stared at it.

The doctor’s voice echoed in his mind. _One drop every eight hours._

Suga, hands shaking, squeezed two into each eye.

•••

“I thought you said you would be back in time for lunch,” prompted Daichi, rolling out the net and beckoning for him to help. Suga grabbed the other end and got to work tying it to the nearby pole.

“Ah, well, we ended up having to wait for a while,” he answered. _Not exactly a lie._ He still felt guilty, though. The green tear sat heavily in his bag across the room. “I’m sure you were fine without me, though.” 

Daichi shrugged and shot him a fond smile. Suga’s heart skipped, but no tears threatened to spill over. The drops were working, it seemed.

“It’s not the same without your rambling, sadly. I was pretty bored today.”

Suga figured the sense of satisfaction that flooded him at the admission made him petty. He didn’t really care though. 

“I’m here now! Besides, there’s never a dull moment with this bunch,” he sighed, succumbing to the smile overtaking his face. 

“You’re not wr—“

The captain’s comment was cut off by the slam of the gym doors. In a flurry of sound and movement, all the first years made their way into the gym at once.

“Kageyaaaaamaaaaaa hurry up! I want you to toss to me before practice starts!”

“Shut up, dumbass, I’m literally right behind you."

“Careful king, don’t trip on your robes in your rush.”

“Nice one, Tsukki!”

Suga simply watched on in amusement as the four of them made a beeline for the closet. The arm suddenly slung around his shoulders only startled him a little. 

“They’re still not as fun as you,” murmured the captain, leaning in close. Suga shivered as Daichi pulled away, starting his own trek toward the clubroom. 

The good news: despite the insistent aching in his eyes, no tears were falling.

The bad news: his vision had suddenly gotten very blurry. 

He blinked a few times, praying it would go away. It didn’t.

Ignoring the stirrings of trepidation in his gut, he started shuffling his way to the clubroom, arms slightly in front of him in case he fell. He supposed this is what he got for ignoring the doctor’s instructions. _At least I’m not crying,_ he thought, desperately trying to look on the bright side of things. 

It was hard to see where he was going once he made it to the clubroom, but he managed to find his usual spot and set down his bag. Pulling off his shirt was easy enough; now if only he could find his athletic wear. He dug his hand through his bag until he hit fabric, yanking it out and hoping he was putting it on the right way. 

Once he was completely changed (after a bit more struggle, just a bit), a Daichi shaped blur appeared in his peripheral.

“Ready to go?” Yep. Definitely Daichi, he’d recognize that voice anywhere.

“Mhm,” he said, suppressing a startled noise when a hand landed on the small of his back. The captain ushered him out of the clubroom.

“Good, cause you’re taking forever,” Daichi teased, but Suga was entirely too preoccupied with the warmth blossoming on his back to be put off. 

For once, Suga was grateful for the captain’s touchy tendencies as he was able to make it over to the team without falling on his face. He shot a smile in the direction of what looked like everyone’s faces. Daichi started practice with a clap of his hands and a few encouraging words, and soon enough Suga found himself poised by the net, ready to send a toss to Asahi. 

Except instead of making contact with his hands, the ball collided with his chest and rolled off to the other side of the court. 

_Shit. How am I supposed to hit the ball if I can hardly see it?_

Plastering a sheepish smile on, he started moving to where the ball had rolled off to. 

“Suga, watch your step!”

The world whirred past as his foot caught on the base of the net’s pole, hurtling his head into the metal with a _clang_ that had his ears ringing and skull aching.

Next thing he knew he was on the floor, eyes squinted against the bright, albeit out of focus, fluorescents. 

“Suga!” Strong hands pulled his head back onto something warm and sturdy. He peered up at the brown haired blob now hovering above him.

“.....Daichi?” he asked over the pounding in his head. Footsteps clattered around him.

“Is he okay?”

“Waaaahh??? Sugawara??!” 

“Everybody back up!” roared the captain. Suga whined in protest at the sudden increase in volume. Daichi seemed to take note and brought his voice back down to a gentle hush. “Sorry, Sug’.”

“S’okay... I’m fine,” he mumbled, words slurring a bit despite his best efforts. He attempted to push himself up, but Daichi reacted quickly and held him down.

“Hey, hey, hey,” Daichi cooed, “lets just take it slow okay? That was a nasty collision, I’m gonna check your head out.”

Suga allowed himself to lean into the touch as the captain’s hands skated over his head. Despite the throbbing pain in his head, Daichi’s gentle concern was soothing. He felt significantly better from the touch alone.

“Okay, there’s no bleeding, thankfully,” Daichi sighed. His finger softly traced the area where Suga’s head had collided with the pole. “Can you open your eyes all the way? I need to make sure you aren’t concussed.”

Suga obliged, praying his eyes weren’t glimmering at the moment. They shouldn’t be, if the drops were working, but then again he hadn’t exactly taken the right dosage.

“Good, your pupils are the same size. Looks like you’ll get off with just a bruise, thank _god._ ” The fuzzy blurb in his vision seemed to sag in relief. He was still thumbing idly at Suga’s forehead. 

_I’m such an idiot._ None of this would have happened if he had just listened to the doctor. A small groan of frustration escaped him. Daichi pulled his hand away quickly. 

“Shit, oh my god, did I hurt you?!” he exclaimed, worry coloring his tone. Suga sighed and carefully sat up, hiding a grimace at the wave of dizziness the movement brought on.

“No, no. I’m just a little frustrated with myself,” he let out a derisive chuckle, “that was pretty stupid of me, huh?” 

“You tripped, accidents happen sometimes. I’m just glad you’re okay,” came the captain’s stern response. Suga could almost picture the pout on his face, and let a small smile slip at the mental image.

“I suppose,” he allotted, standing up with only a slight sway, “Thanks for the help, nurse Sawamura.”

“Don’t mention it.”

Hinata evidently decided then was a good time to interrupt.

“Is he okay, captain?” he all but shouted, concern evident in the way he bounced on his heels. The rest of the team listened in intently at a safe distance. 

“Just fine, though I think he’s all done practicing for today,” Daichi announced. Suga spluttered in protest.

“It was just a bump! I’m fine now!” he cried, indignant. He was already on the bench, he couldn’t afford to start skipping practices too. Daichi shook his head.

“Not another word, Sugawara. I’m walking you home,” and oh no, he was using the captain voice on Suga. He hated that he kind of liked it.

“But prac-“ he started. 

“But nothing,” insisted Daichi, “Coach Ukai is arriving soon, and I’m positive everyone here can handle one practice without us.” Suga guessed he was glaring at the rest of the team, if the fearful silence was anything to go by. “Isn’t that right?” 

“Yes captain!” the boys replied. Suga almost snickered at their timid tone, but his lack of sight kind of killed the mood. Daichi’s hand settled on his back once more, sending sparks up his spine.

“Okay. I’ll see you all tomorrow. Behave, _or else,_ ” he warned, applying a little pressure to get Suga moving out the doors. Once they were outside, he removed his hand.

“Alright, wait here. I’ll go grab our stuff from the club room.” He jogged off, leaving Suga to sag against the wall.

_How am I going to explain this one?_ Daichi was going to grill him about his habits, that he knew for certain. He didn’t have much time to think on it before Daichi was back, calling out an _“Asahi’s in charge!”_ behind him as he shut the doors with a _click._

“Jesus, Sug’, you scared me half to death back there,” he admonished. Guilt crashed into Suga like a wave. The last thing he wanted to do was make Daichi worried.

“I’m so sorry,” Suga breathed, “ugh, I can’t believe you’re missing practice because of me, I’m sorry. I can just walk home on my own.” A hand slid down his arm to circle lightly around his wrist. Daichi gave a slight tug and Suga stumbled after him.

“Don’t even think about,” warned the captain, pulling him along. Suga stared at the ground, willing it to come into focus as they took the stairs a little too fast for his liking. His toe caught on the edge of the final step and sent him tumbling into Daichi’s back.

Daichi whipped around to steady him with hands planted on his waist. “Suga? Are you okay? Are you dizzy?”

The world was spinning a bit, but Daichi didn’t need to know that little detail.

“I’m fine! I swear my feet just got jumbled, it’s just a coincidence that it happened now,” Suga told him, knowing his efforts were likely in vain. Once Daichi was worried, especially about Suga, there was no stopping him. The hands on his sides tensed, leaving Suga struggling to conceal his sudden shudder.

“You know, I don’t really believe that after today’s debacle. You said it was just a routine check-up today, right? Did the doctor say you were fine? They didn’t do any blood work?” And there came the slew of questions. Suga’s shoulders slumped, he had been hoping to avoid this.

“Yeah, just a check up, and the doctor said I was fine, Dai, stop freaking out,” he lied, hating every second of it. He shouldn’t have been keeping secrets from his best friend. “No blood work either.” 

“I’m glad, but clearly something’s up. You ate and drank enough today, right?” pressed the captain.

_There,_ an out. It might earn him a lecture, but anything was better than Daichi learning the truth. 

“Well, I didn’t have time to eat lunch today. Maybe that’s it?” he said, shooting for innocence. Daichi made a noise of displeasure. _Bingo._

_“Sugawara,_ you know how-“

Suga lifted his hand to stop him before he could get into a full blown lecture.

“Daichi, I know, I know! I just had to get to class, I’ll eat as soon as I get home,” he tried to placate his worried friend. Daichi sighed and released his waist, to Suga’s immense ~~disappointment~~ relief, grabbing for his wrist again.

“Damn right, manners be damned, I’m staying till you eat and ice your head. I’m sure your mom won’t mind,” he said, tone leaving no room for argument. Suga groaned and walked helplessly after him as he took off towards the apartment complex.

“I’ve already inconvenienced you enough! Let my mom fuss over me, I’m not sure I can handle the both of you mother-henning at once,” he replied, trying to lighten the mood. Daichi laughed lightly. _Good,_ he was calming down a bit.

“That’s too bad, I’ll be pestering you all night. Gotta make sure my number two’s okay,” Daichi warned, making Suga feel embarrassingly warm and fuzzy inside. Thank god no tears came out.

“Like I said, I’m fine.” 

They walked in comfortable silence for a while, until something large and dark entered Suga’s field of vision, he hoped it was his building. He heard the noise of hinges squeaking. Definitely the building, then. Carefully, he made his way through what he presumed was the doorway.

Hand still around his wrist, Daichi led him to the elevator and pressed the button. Suga rubbed at his eyes, the world was getting marginally sharper, still not much, but anything was an improvement. 

Wordlessly they made their way down Suga’s hall, Daichi holding out a hand (or at least, what looked like one) with the simple command of “key, please.” 

Suga dug blindly through his bag with his free hand and pulled out his key, dropping it into Daichi’s waiting palm. The door opened without a hitch.

“Sugawara-san?” Daichi called out. An ash-blonde blob peeked out from behind the hallway entrance, and Suga squinted. He could just make out the beginnings of a face. 

“Oh Dai-chan! I thought you boys had practice today! I’d have prepared something if I knew you were coming,” cried his mother, coming closer to the two. Suga slipped off his shoes as they talked.

“Ah, well,” Daichi started, “Suga had an accident and hit his head, so I thought I should walk him home.”

“Koushi!” his mother exclaimed. Already, her hands were patting his face, Suga sighed.

“It’s fine mom, Daichi already checked my head,” He said, hoping it would calm her.

“Oh Dai-chan! Always so responsible, thank you for taking care of my baby boy,” she swooned. 

“Mom,” bit out Suga, voice a little strained in his embarrassment. Daichi laughed, which was only moderately ameliorating. Suga pointedly ignored the way his chest tightened. 

“No problem. I’d like to make sure he eats, if you’re okay with me a staying a bit. Apparently he missed lunch.”

“Oh, Koushi I thought we got-“ Suga interrupted before she could blow his cover.

“Nope! Lunch was just ending when we got there. I got a little dizzy at practice from lack of food, that’s all,” he insisted, hoping his mother would get the underlying message.

“Oh, _oh,_ ” she said after a moment, and Suga let out a sigh of relief. “Well let’s remedy that, honey. You two sit down, I’ll get cooking. Would you like anything, Dai-chan?” 

“Just a glass of water, if it’s not too much trouble,” answered Daichi, leading Suga over to the stools at the counter. Suga took a seat, careful not to lose his balance in front of this best friend. He could see the flecks on the countertop, his vision was steadily getting better. _Good._

He listened, chin in his palm, as his mother clattered about the kitchen, singing under her breath. Daichi drummed his fingers on the countertop.

“Sugawara-san, that’s a lovely vase, is it new?” he asked. Suga hadn’t noticed any vase, but as he looked over, there was indeed a glass piece on the counter.

“Hmm?” hummed his mom, glancing over her shoulder, “Oh, that! Why yes, I got it today.”

“It’s lovely,” Daichi said, sounding endearingly genuine, “I’ll have to bring you some flowers next time I stop by, my mother knows a great florist.”

“Oh well, it’s not for me, you know. It’s for my darling Koushi, he’s just been working so hard!” Suga had to give it to his mother, she was a convincing liar. He had a pretty good idea of what the vase was actually for.

“A little too hard, if today’s anything to go by.” Daichi nodded along to his own statement, resolute. He turned and shot Suga a cheeky smile, which Suga could actually see with some degree of clarity. He couldn’t decide whether that was net positive or negative. “Guess I’ll just have to bring Koushi here some flowers.” 

Flames broke out over his cheeks, and maybe in his eyes too, but just a tad. He shoved Daichi’s shoulder hard enough to send his stool tipping.

“Ugh. You’re so embarrassing,” he grumbled, trying desperately to dispel the blush from his cheeks. 

“Koushi!” His mother chided, “Dai-chan’s being a sweetheart, mind your manners!” Daichi let a hand rest on Suga’s shoulder.

“Nothing embarrassing about the truth!” he proclaimed, “You’re doing a great job, I’m just worried you’re overworking yourself, you seem stressed lately.”

Before he could respond, Suga’s mother set a plate piled with rice and vegetables in front of him with a _clink_ _._ Instinctively, Suga froze and Daichi quickly removed his hand, letting it hover in the air awkwardly.

“Sorry-“ he started, but Suga cut in quickly.

“No, no! You’re fine... my uh, head just still hurts a little,” he explained, not wanting Daichi to think he’d done anything wrong. At this point, his vision had cleared enough to see Daichi’s resulting pout.

“You need to ice it. Sugawara-san, you don’t mind if I grab some ice for Suga, do you?” Daichi asked, already making his way to the freezer. His mother, who was currently washing the pan she had used, shook her head.

“Go right ahead!”

Meanwhile, Suga dug into his food. He _was_ rather hungry, besides he knew both his mother and Daichi would hound him if he left a single grain on the plate. He was about halfway through his food when Daichi returned and pressed a cool bag of ice to his head. His fingers caught Suga’s chin after he swallowed and tilted his face to the side.

“Sorry to interrupt,” he said, wrapping a scarf around Suga’s head to secure the pack, finally knotting it neatly beneath his chin. Suga narrowly avoided shivering at the touch. “There, that should be good. Carry on.”

Suga sent him a weak, but genuine smile. The ice felt nice against the fresh bruise. The touch felt nice against his aching heart. 

“Alright Daichi,” he sighed with no small degree of fondness, “I’ve eaten and I’m icing it. I think I’ve wasted enough of your time for one day.” 

“It’s not a waste of time if I know you’re safe," was his soft reply. A painful burning sensation flared up in Suga’s eyes at the caring words. “I do probably need to get back though, I told my parents I’d be home for dinner.”

“Thank you for all you help, Dai-chan! I don’t know what my Kou would do without you!” cheered his mother, bowing to Daichi. The captain seemed flustered (which was no small achievement, kudos to his mom) and waved his hands in front of him. 

“Ah there’s no need for that!” he spluttered, “I want to see him healthy just as much as you do!” His mother whipped back up and grabbed his face to plant a kiss on his cheek.

“Well thank you anyway, you’re a good young man,” she announced with an air of finality. Daichi rubbed the back of his neck bashfully and moved to the entryway to put his shoes on.

“It was no problem, Sugawara-san” he said, then pointed an accusatory finger at Suga, “You’d better text me how you’re feeling later, or else!” Suga rolled his eyes but acquiesced.

“Alright, alright, you have to text when you get home safe, though,” he rebutted. Daichi smiled and opened the door.

“Fair’s Fair. Goodnight Suga, Sugawara-san,” he said and slipped outside. Suga slumped against the counter as soon as the door locked in place. His eyes were on fire.

“You okay, sweetie?” his mother asked, hovering anxiously nearby, “What happened at practice?

“My eyes got all blurry and I trip-“ he cut off with a pained cry as a sound like shattering glass erupted from his eyes. “Ah-ah-ah _ow!_ oh fuck that _hurts!”_

Tears were raining down on the counter top and scattering across the floor. His mother shoved the vase under his face and Suga held it, trying to catch the tears before they fell. It sounded like someone had dumped a crate full of marbles on the kitchen tile.

“T-this is normal right?” his mother stuttered, “The doctor said this was normal with the drops?”

“Yeah,” he barely managed to groan out. His eyes felt like they were being cut to pieces. The tears kept coming.

His mother shook beside him, rubbing his back soothingly as he rode out the onslaught of tears. When they finally slowed and the burning settled into a dull throb, Suga looked down into the vase. All of the tears were a glowing green. His mother leaned over his shoulder. 

“Green...? They were blue before... Kou, what does that mean?” She asked, voice wavering.

“I think it’s getting worse,” he whispered around the lump in his throat. His mother pressed her face into the side of his neck. His heart cracked at the tears he felt gathering there. “I’m sorry.”

They remained there for a while, silently clinging to each other. Suga ran his fingers through his mother’s hair as she wept. Eventually, the chime of his phone pulled his attention.

One notification greeted him from the lock screen.

**From Daichi Sawamura 5:23 pm**

_Home safe! I’m glad you’re okay._

He stared at the words.

Sugawara Koushi was not okay.


	4. show me heartbreak a thousand times

The loss to Aoba Johsai at prelims hit them all hard.

Suga didn’t say a word to his mother when he got home. Feeling hollow, he laid in bed and stared at the ceiling.

His phone vibrated a while later.

**From Daichi Sawamura 9:02 pm**

_Hey_

Instead of answering, he added a handful of green tears to the vase sitting on his dresser. 

•••

The next day, after practice, Asahi cornered him as he straightened things up in the club room. Everyone but the third years were gone, but Daichi was preoccupied talking to the coaches on the far side of the gym.

“Suga.”

Suga tensed. Asahi rarely ever sounded so firm. Drawing up his sweetest smile, he turned around to greet his friend. 

“Asahi, hey,” he called. The taller fiddled with his hands for a moment. 

“Look I-I’m just going to be direct,” stated the ace, “What’s been going on with you lately?”

“Oh, you know, school, volleyball, the-“

“Cut the crap, Suga,” Asahi didn’t even look nervous, “You know what I mean.”

Suga stared at him in astonishment. _Did Asahi just cut me off?_ Asahi’s eyes widened and a flush spread across his cheeks.

“Uh! Sorry! I didn’t mean-I just-I’m worried about you!” he cried, posture slipping into something a little more timid. Suga relaxed a little at the sight.

“Asahi...thank you, but I’m fine.” Was it the truth? Not at all, but Suga didn’t think the ace needed any new anxieties to add to his list. 

“You’re not,” and there was that startling conviction again. _When did Asahi get so badass?_ “So stop lying. You seem so hollow lately, and-and we all know something is up!”

Suga winced, he thought he’d been doing a pretty good job hiding his ever worsening mood, all things considered. Cold dread creeped up his back. 

“Listen,” he started, hoping to soothe his friend’s worries and get back on his merry way to wallowing in self-pity, “I’m just stressed. We lost at prelims, yeah? I’m a little sad. No big deal.” 

“Suga.” Asahi did not sound convinced in the slightest. Panicked, Suga glanced at the time on his phone. 5:23. _Shit._ He had taken his drops after his first class that day, around 9:30. It had almost been eight hours. His eyes were aching, he knew what was coming. 

Fear seized him and he rushed towards the door. Just as quickly, Asahi threw his arms out, taking up almost the entire frame and sending Suga sprawling on the floor when they collided. A wide eyed, worried face leaned into his field of vision as he sat up with a wince.

“Ah!! Suga I’m sorry! I didn’t mean to hurt you!” cried Asahi. Suga rubbed at his now throbbing eyes and took his friend’s proffered hand. He stumbled to his feet at the force of the tug.

“Ngh,” Jesus, his eyes _hurt,_ “S’alright, I have to go now, though.” He tried shoving past the taller boy again, but Asahi stopped him with a strong hand clamped on his shoulder.

“Not until we—huh? Y-your eyes?!” 

_He’s going to find out._ Suga whirled around and buried his face in his arm, hoping to at least hide the impending tears from Asahi. The pressure in his eyes was mounting, he could feel it coming. 

It felt like he’d taken a baseball bat to the face. It sounded like he’d taken a baseball bat to a set of wind chimes. 

He had to pull his arm away as the pressure burst. Tears were falling at his feet, adding to the cacophony of noise assaulting him. His vision clouded over and he cried out weakly as he collapsed to his knees. Asahi was by his side, that much he knew, though he could hardly make out what he was saying. 

“Suga w-" the ace’s voice was fazing in and out, fraught with worry. Nausea crashed into him and Suga fought to calm his stomach as the tears poured out. He took gasping breaths until the torrent finally slowed. The last one, bright, sickening green, rolled to a stop in front of Asahi. Suga held his breath.

“Is this...?” his friend looked at him, horror written all over his face, “star tears? Is this what’s been going on with you?!”

Suga didn’t have time to answer before footsteps pulled his attention, growing louder by the second. Frantically, he whipped out his arm, scattering the fallen tears to the far corner of the club room where they’d hopefully be out of sight. Daichi appeared in the door frame, breathing heavily. 

“Is everything alright in here?! I heard glass brea-“ he cut off with a gasp when his gaze fell on Suga, teary-eyed and kneeling on the floor. He slid to his knees next to Asahi. “What the hell happened? Is Suga okay?”

Suga shot Asahi a warning glare. _Do not tell him or so help me god._ Wobbling slightly, he pushed backwards, crossing his legs in front of him in a desperate attempt at nonchalance. 

“I’m fine,” he started, voice scratchy. He cleared his throat, rubbing at his still aching eyes. “Got a little dizzy is all.” 

Daichi scowled and crawled closer. “Are you sick?” 

“I-“ Suga’s voice broke before he could spit out a lie. He was sick. He was sick and he was going to go blind. 

He was cracking under the pressure. His friends were here, watching him crumble. _Why can’t I do anything right?_

He’d gotten set aside for a first year

He’d gotten this stupid fucking disease.

He’d caused his mom so much trouble.

He’d worried Asahi, the team, Daichi.

 _Daichi._ Daichi was going to find out and all of the hurt he’d caused the captain by distancing himself was going to be for naught. His lip quivered, and his breath hitched at the taste of salt. Tentatively, he brought a hand up to his cheek. Tears. Real tears. _Never did I think I’d be relieved to be crying._ A shaky breath escaped him.

“Sug’,” Daichi murmured, bringing his hands up to thumb at the tears trickling down Suga’s face, “hey, what’s wrong?” 

Suga didn’t answer, opting instead to barrel forward into Daichi. He buried his face against his neck, relaxing slightly at the scent of pine and warm spice. _Selfish._ It was selfish to leave his friend fretting without offering an explanation, but Suga was tired. So very fucking tired.

He sobbed weakly against his throat as Daichi’s arms wound around his back. He didn’t know how long they stayed like that, Suga in Daichi’s lap, crying into his shirt. Daichi weathered the storm with incredible patience, tracing soothing shapes up and down the spread of his back.

Breath still quivering, Suga relaxed further against his friend as his tears finally slowed. He felt the rumble in Daichi’s throat before he heard it, tensing as an undercurrent of alarm coursed through him. _Time to go._ The words died in Daichi’s mouth as he scrambled off of him and onto his feet. He needed to shut his questions down and leave.

“Suga.” The captain paused, contemplating his next words.

“I’m fine, drop it,” Suga said, terse tone contradicted by the sniffles still lingering.

“Clearly you’re not.“ The beginnings of anger bubbled in his chest.

“Drop it.” The request was simple, _What does he not get?_

“Suga, you just broke down crying.” The captain’s concerned tone grated on him. He was such a screw up. He couldn’t even hide this one little thing.

“I’m fine, Daichi, absolutely fucking fine!” he snapped, beaten emotions unable to take anymore. The anger boiled over, red hot and scalding. He was shaking, but rage at least was better than the hollow sadness from moments ago. 

“Suga-“ And it was Asahi this time, thinking he knew _shit_ about how Suga was feeling. He scrubbed furiously at his eyes.

“What would you know about it, huh?! I’ll just deal with it by myself, like every other shitty thing I’ve weathered this year!” He shoved past his friends, rooted in place by their shock, and slammed the club room door shut behind him.

He’d left his bag inside. His feet didn’t stall, schoolwork be damned.

•••

Suga stared down at his phone.

**To Daichi Sawamura 7:43 p.m.**

_i’m sorry_

He offered no further explanation. Asahi’s messages he left on delivered. 

•••

Summer was here. _Whoopdie fucking doo._ The world had gone gray at the edges of Suga’s vision. Needless to say, he wasn’t doing so hot.

Days of avoiding his friends and their constant texts outside of practice had led him here, sitting next to Daichi in tense silence. They were en route to Tokyo for summer training camp. Suga stared resolutely out the window. He wasn’t mad at them, though maybe they were at him. Better for them to hold a grudge than to worry. He repeated the sentence to himself, hoping it would soothe the ache in his heart.

It didn’t.

Daichi’s stare was burning a hole in his head. His hands clenched and unclenched periodically in his lap.

_Don’t look._

He glanced over. Their eyes met and Suga whipped his head back to stare out the window.

_Shit. Daichi looks so sad._

Guilt clawed at his throat. Daichi deserved better than half-hearted apologies and radio silence.

He didn’t say a word.

•••

Sweat rolled down Suga’s temples and pooled under his chin. It had been a long day of getting their asses handed to them by the Tokyo teams, and he wanted nothing more then to lay down on the floor and go to sleep. He still hadn’t quite mastered the art of saying no to his underclassmen’s enthusiasm though, so here he was, spiking down Noya’s ever improving sets alongside Asahi and Tanaka. 

“Aw Suga, I thought that one was good! How did you miss that?“

Suga’s attention snapped to the libero as the ball hit the floor with a slight _thump._ He opened his mouth to respond, but paused to think of a proper excuse. 

_I’m slipping._

“Sorry, guess I’m pretty useless when I’m tired, huh?“ he finally settled on. Maybe it was a tad too derogatory for comfort, judging by the concerned look Asahi was shooting him from the other side of Noya. 

_Ah yes, my bad Asahi, let me just tell him I’m worried about the fact that I’m going to go permanently blind because I’m in love with my best friend who definitely has better things to do with his time than fuss over my pathetic ass._

Maybe that was a little mean, his friend was just concerned. Suga thought that he had earned the right to be a little mean at this point, though, when he was feeling better acquainted with the burning in his eyes than those around him.

 _Speaking of which._ He glanced at the clock. This was taking longer than he thought it would. Hurriedly, he handed the ball off to Tanaka, swiping at his eyes with his free arm. 

“It’s probably better for everyone that I turn in now, goodnight guys,” he announced, summoning all the false bravado he could. Certainly not enough if the indignant squawking that followed was anything to go by.

“Suga, you can’t just say crap like that!” hollered Tanaka. The setter flinched and made a beeline for the door. 

“Guess I’m getting a little short because I’m tired, I really should go,” he added, slipping on his club jacket as he passed through the door frame. The pressure in his head was building up, he needed to get out fast.

“Suga!” Noya called after him. He sped up. Before he passed out of earshot, he thought he heard Asahi tack on a “let him go.“

The teeth digging into his bottom lip did nothing to appease the heavy feeling in his stomach. Perhaps he’d been too cruel to the ace before—he was certainly being nothing but helpful now. The sound of his frantic footfalls echoed around him as he increased his pace along the backside of the school. His eyes darted left to right, searching for somewhere, _anywhere_ secluded enough to weather the incoming influx of tears alone.

 _There._ A small alleyway. He ducked inside and collapsed to his knees as pain stabbed at his skull. The twinkling sound of tears scattering across the asphalt provided a deceptively beautiful back up to the chorus of his sobs.

Pavement scratched at his legs as he heaved in gasping breaths, wishing for the onslaught to just end already. The tears eventually slowed to a stop, leaving him with only the sound of his unsteady breathing. 

“What?” Suga froze at the call of an approaching voice, terror coursing through his system. “I could’ve sworn I picked them all up...”

He cast a glance upwards and was met with the terrified gaze of Yamaguchi. Quickly righting himself, Suga rushed to say anything that might distract the boy from the tears.

“Tadashi, look-“

“Sugawara, I can explain!” the first year was trembling, staring timidly at the tears on the ground. Suga paused. _Explain?_

“Why would you…? What do you have to explain?“ He asked, tone turning sharp in his weariness. Yamaguchi’s eyes widened.

“These are mi-...? Wait! A-Are they yours?!” A look of understanding dawned on his face, “Oh god—I’m sorry, you probably want to be alone right now! I just thought since I had been here earlier that they were mine, but clearly not! I’ll just go!” the boy let out in one breath, stumbling backwards in his rush to get away. Suga shot a hand out to grasp his forearm.

“Tadashi.” He growled. Yamaguchi squeaked at that, feet stilling. _God, I sound like Daichi._ He squeezed his eyes shut the thought of his friend, taking a deep breath to refocus on the situation at hand. “What do you mean, you thought they were _yours_?”

“I- uhm- well....” the other started. Suga’s heart clenched, and he let his expression melt into something more reassuring.

“You have it too? Star tears?” he asked, voice soft, sounding more like himself than he had in a while. Tadashi looked askance for a moment, seemingly on the verge of denying it, but a brief second of eye contact with his upperclassman had him crumbling. 

“Yes. I...I’ve had it for a while now,” he whispered, shoulders slumping once it was out in the open. Suga caught him by the arms and pulled him in for a hug.

_What the hell should I even say?_

He said nothing, for the time being. They simply stood there, awkwardly clasping each other. 

_Poor kid. I bet..._

“Is it... Tsukishima?” he asked finally. Yamaguchi stiffened in his arms. _Shit. Wrong question._ He needed to backpedal. “Er—never mind, I probably shouldn’t ask!”

It was shocking when a head fell onto his shoulder. “No, no don’t worry,” Tadashi’s voice was muffled against his body, but he could still catch the slight wobble, “You’re not wrong.” 

Suga closed his eyes. _It’s bad enough that I have it, how am I supposed to console him?_

“Oh,” a startled laugh escaped him, which was hardly appropriate given thie context, but he really couldn’t help it. _This must’ve been how Daichi and Asahi felt._ “Wait, no! I’m sorry, I didn’t mean–”

A sniffle from Yamaguchi cut him off. “It’s fine. I know, I’m pathetic–“

“No! That’s not what I–"

“But,” the first year continued over him, “you wouldn’t willingly laugh at me.”

Suga stopped. The warmth blossoming in his chest felt foreign after weeks of emotional agony. Someone still had faith in him, wasn’t upset or burdened by him.

“I’m glad you think so,” he sighed, clutching onto the boy tighter. “I know I haven’t been myself lately, but I would never. Not when,” his voice broke slightly over the last word, “not when I know how much it hurts.”

“Yeah,” Yamaguchi breathed, twisting his hands into the fabric on the back of Suga’s shirt, “It hurts. It hurts a lot.”

And it did. It hurt. But it hurt slightly less knowing there was someone who understood.


	5. cheap tricks and fortune in a flash

He sat with Yamaguchi on the bus ride home. The first year was out like a light, drooling lightly on Suga from his head’s perch on his shoulder. 

He tried to ignore the twin sets of eyes that turned to stare at them questioningly every so often. Their gazes met, though, just once. It was enough.

Daichi’s eyes were full of hurt. Tsukishima’s were brimming with cold appraisal. 

Suga kept his gaze trained on his lap after that. 

•••

He was home, finally able to lie down in his own bed, not that it did much good. It was hard to sleep. As soon as he lied down, his mind buzzed, his eyes ached. Nothing helped. 

Suga was getting pretty tired of staring at the ceiling. It felt wasteful to have _that_ be the thing he saw the most, what with the whole _going blind_ thing. With a derisive chuckle, he slid out of bed and padded softly into the living room, coming to a stop in front of the bookshelf. His eyes slid across the rows of books, finally resting on a short binder. 

On the spine, lettered in his mother’s soft, rounded handwriting, sat the words _Koushi’s Memory Book._ A sad smile tugged at the corner of his mouth. _I’ll miss seeing her little notes._

Shaking his head, he tucked his fingers between the books and brought the scrapbook out. It was a tiny thing, cover smaller than a standard piece of paper, but it felt heavy in his hands. Significant. 

_Might be my last time ever seeing these._

He gulped, misery threatening to choke him as it seized his throat. A _thump_ echoed in the silence as he fell back into the couch. 

On the pages sat pictures. Pictures of his first day of school. Pictures of his birthday. Pictures of his first high school volleyball game. 

Daichi was in a lot of them.

Suga slipped his thumb under the paper, flipping to the last page in the book. Square in the middle of the sheet sat just one photo, taken by his excited mother picking him up from the last day of second year. He and Daichi stood side by side, each with a hand around the gym keys proudly dangling in front of them. His eyes traced the picture, settling where the new captain’s free hand hovered at his waist. Fire, scorching in its intensity pooled at the corners of his eyes.

_Thud._

He blinked. One tear, vibrant yellow and jagged covered the beaming image of the vice-captain’s face. He waited, but nothing else came. 

_“Yellow is when you’ll lose color and clarity. How about we get you fitted for glasses?”_

His eyes squeezed shut at the memory of the small gray case sitting on his desk.

_I guess this is it then, the final stretch._

Fingers skimming the photo, he heaved a shaky breath. 

_Sorry Daichi._

He slammed the book shut, leaving the tear jammed where it would surely tear at the binding.

It didn’t really matter anymore.

•••

Suga woke up later to the jangling of keys in the lock. Pain pulsed from his shoulders, but he froze mid-stretch as a pile of large yellow tears fell from his lap and clattered to the floor.

_Huh? Those weren’t there last night._

Before he had time to consider it further, the door swung inwards. He held his breath.

“What’s this?” his mother crouched down in the doorway, light from the hallway spilling in behind her and catching on one of the scattered tears. Picking up one of the shards, squinted, the right corner of her mouth ticking down in contemplation. Her mouth parted in a small ‘o’, and she quickly straightened up, head turning to meet Suga’s eyes from where he was still frozen on the couch. Carefully, her gaze slid down to the battered scrapbook beside him. “Did something happen at camp? Why are they so big, Kou?!” 

Suga bit his lip and looked away. “Uh. Well,” he started, not really sure how to break the news.

_I’m close. I don’t have much time before I go blind._

“Well what?” his mother prompted, voice tinged with kindness surely meant to mask the almost inaudible tremor. She tugged off her shoes, kicking the door shut behind her as she hurried into the living room. Her arm brushed against his as she slid onto the couch next to him.

“It’s… not as bad as it looks. I don’t think the color means anything,” and _wow_ lying to his mom hurt more than he thought it would. 

_I’m sorry. I’m so sorry. You deserve better._

“You’re sure?” Her thumbs traced nervous circles against each other. Suga shut his eyes.

“Yeah,” he assured her, making to stand. Slender fingers found their way around his forearm. He looked back over; His mother's eyes were wide and wet.

“Kou,” she breathed. Suga gently pried her fingers from their vice grip on his arm. 

“It’s okay, mom. I’ll be okay,” his voice sounded shaky. _Not good._ Her hand clenched in his grasp. 

Silence. They stared at one another. Finally, his mother sucked in a small breath. 

“Come get breakfast with me?” her voice’s cadence was off, off-tone stabbing at his chest alongside pleading eyes. Something inside him withered.

“Yeah, of course,” he said, “just let me get dressed, okay?” She nodded, leaving him to make the walk back to his room with slumped shoulders. He ran a hand down his face as soon as he closed his door.

_God, this sucks._

Not bothering to turn on the lights, he pulled a pair of burgundy pants and what looked like a gray sweater out of his dresser and onto his body. The clothes were warm, the chill in his heart remained.

Two minutes found him standing in front of his mother again, the woman in question watching him with an odd expression in place of her earlier worry. 

“Something wrong?” he asked, not missing how her teeth worried her bottom lip. She seemed to be searching for something.

“Er–I don’t want to tell you how to dress but, Koushi, your clothes,” she started, sounding confused and a little hesitant, “they don’t match.” 

_What?_ He looked down. His top was grey. His pants were burgundy. _What’s the problem?_

“What are you talking about?” Desperation was creeping into his voice alongside the sinking feeling in his gut. His mother winced.

“You’re wearing green with bur–oh! U-Unless it’s just some new trend...?” Her voice fell off at the end, eyes narrowing slightly. 

_Green._ He was wearing green.

He fell into the couch beside his mother without another word, listless stare fixed on his lap. A hand settled on his thigh.

“You were lying before, weren’t you? About it not meaning anything?” his mother asked. He nodded. 

“I thought so, just didn’t really want to believe it,” she admitted after a moment, fingers clenching against the material of his pants. Suga let his head fall against her shoulder.

He didn’t really know what to say to that.

•••

Class didn’t really interest Suga anymore. It was hard to care about much of anything when your world was crumbling around you. Still, he kept his eyes trained on the board in a show of vague respect for his teacher and classmates. No need to be a nuisance. _Or more of one, at least._

A bar in his immediate field of vision momentarily startled him, pulling him from his thoughts. His fingertips brushed against the bridge of his nose, knocking into a sturdy beam of plastic. _Glasses?_

He blinked. _Right, glasses._ Cause his vision was blurry at best and he couldn’t see color anymore. 

Well, almost. There was one exception: brown. Because of course the universe had to taunt him just that _little_ bit more, as if going blind wasn’t enough.

Brown. Brown hair and brown eyes like the Earth. Brown like the ground, the foundation of everything around them. Brown like _his_ foundation. 

Like Daichi.

He pressed his fingers to his eyes. Being in love was bad enough before all this, now it seemed like his very existence was a reminder of his unrequited feelings. Hours seemed to drag by as his thoughts circled only one subject.

Finally, _finally,_ the lunch bell rang and Suga pushed to his feet hastily. He didn’t think he could stand a single word from his friends. He had made it about halfway down the hall when a shout of his name had panic flaring in his throat. Ducking his head, he picked up the pace.

“Sugawara!”

He stopped. _Sugawara? Who even-_

A solid weight rammed into his back, sending him stumbling to regain his balance. He turned around, ready to rip whichever unfortunate soul had decided to interrupt him a new one, only to fall short as he was met with the sight of one terrified Yamaguchi. 

“Gah! I’m so sorry! You were just walking so fast and then you stopped and then I couldn’t slow down and–” he squeaked, words blurring together into one apologetic amalgamation. Suga grabbed him by the elbow and hauled him out the nearest door, planting steadying hands on his shoulders once he maneuvered him under a tree out of the way of foot traffic.

“Tadashi, I promise you it’s not a big deal!” he said. The first year’s mouth snapped shut. _Too loud._ “What’s wrong?” he added, voice significantly softer. Yamaguchi’s lip wobbled.

“Ah! It’s just–it’s just that Tsuki knows something’s up! I’ve been having to skip our study sessions and go straight home after practice because,” he glanced around warily, voice dipping conspiratorially, “ _you know,_ a-and he keeps asking me what’s wrong and staring at me like he _knows_ , and I–”

“Hey bud, slow down,“ Suga butted in, soothing tone betraying none of the fear he felt for the younger boy. If he couldn’t keep himself together, he could at least keep an even keel for his friend. “You haven’t told him anything, right? And he hasn’t seen anything?”

Yamaguchi nodded.

“Then there’s no way he could know. Take a deep breath,” he continued, hoping he sounded sure. _Tsukishima’s a sharp one, though._

“But–”

“It’s alright, Tadashi,” the first year exhaled sharply at that, “though I’ll admit it’s a little concerning he’s studying you so closely.” Suga was quick to backpedal when he saw how the underclassman tensed up again, “It’s okay though! Nothing a good excuse can’t fix.”

_I certainly know enough about those._

“You’re right,“ Yamaguchi seemed to be trying to convince himself, “you’re right, I-I can just tell him…. uh….” his face crumpled. “It’s no use, I’m no good at this.“

Suga didn’t have much pity for himself, but watching someone else talk like this hurt. He shot him a kind smile. The expression felt out of place on his face.

“Just tell him you’ve been with me. I doubt he’d even bat an eye at us hanging out, we spend an awful lot of time together in the box after all,” he offered. The ride home from Tokyo suggested otherwise, but Yamaguchi didn’t need to know that.

The evident relief that spread across the younger's face was a soothing balm against the gaping wound that was Suga’s heart at present.

“God, Sugawara, how do I even thank y–”

“Ah, Yamaguchi, there you are.” Both Suga and Yamaguchi jumped at the arrival of a third voice. The third year cast a glance behind his friend; Sure enough, Tsukishima stood not a yard away. A look of vague annoyance crossed his face as his eyes fell on Suga, but Suga pushed down any indignance at the panicked expression on Yamaguchi’s face. 

“Tsukishima, hello,” and, _yikes,_ he definitely hadn't imagined the irritated twitch in the taller boy’s eye. Tsukishima gave him a curt nod before turning back to Yamaguchi.

“It was tough to find you,” he commented when it was clear no greeting was immediately forthcoming from the other first year. 

“Sorry Tsuki!” Yamaguchi chirped, shoulders shooting up to his ears. Suga’s heart clenched. _Poor kid, he’s so nervous._

He watched curiously as the blonde’s expression softened into something he’d almost call fond if he thought Tsukishima would ever outwardly betray such an emotion.

“Nevermind that now, let’s just go eat,” replied Tsukishima, turning on his heel and starting off. Yamaguchi flashed Suga a wobbly smile before taking off after his friend. 

_His voice sounded soft._

Suga had all but given up on himself, but maybe Yamaguchi had a fighting chance.

•••

After camp the team had really started to take shape; things were amping up. Gear after gear fell into place. Asahi’s serve, Noya’s sets, finally, _finally_ the new freak quick. Suga watched ~~enviously~~ from the sidelines.

He was proud of them. He really was. So goddamn _proud._

It didn’t make having to stand and watch as they did it without him hurt any less, though. 

He sucked in a breath. _Is it even going to matter when I go blind?_

He watched as the ball glanced off Kageyama’s hand, hovering slightly at the crux of Hinata’s jump. _Maybe it’s for the best I’m benched. They’ll need fine without me._

Damn if that didn’t sting.

Suga let out a cheer as Noya made a miraculous last minute receive. The team was doing so well. Him? Not so much.

Everything kind of sucked. He couldn’t escape the blurry tunnel vision, black and white reminding him constantly of his feelings. His stupid fucking feelings that were already making him lose his eyesight, so why not ground the rest of his pitiful heart into a pulp while he was at it?

His eyes hurt. His head hurt. His heart hurt. He was sick of it. Daichi wasn’t even _there_ today. It didn’t help, everything still hurt. 

The captain was gone on a college visit for the day, and Suga, his _vice,_ hadn’t even been the one to step up and run practice. Ennoshita took Daichi’s usual spot on the court with grace. Suga’s eyes kept flickering to him, disappointment welling higher each time he realized Daichi wasn’t there until it was suffocating in its volume.

_I miss him._

The thought rang through his head for the rest of practice. It rattled around as they cleaned. It knocked insistently at his skull as he watched the others file out, leaving him alone in the club room with only the bench for company. 

Summer was just ending, yet it felt freezing there without the steady presence by his side. He removed his glasses and sat down with a sigh, fingers rubbing slow circles into his aching eyelids. _Any minute now._

The pressure built higher and higher. Suga shoved his open bag under his face, wishing this would just be over already so he could go home and be miserable in peace. A sound like shattering glass pierced the silence as fire erupted in his eyes. The twinkling of the falling tears mixed with the pattering of those that clacked together as they fell into his bag.

“Fuck! Ow, _fuck,_ ” he bit out, unable to simply sit and bear it. _It hurts so goddamn bad._

Breathing heavily, he waited till the last tear fell to latch his bag and hunch over. He felt like he was coming apart at the seams. He didn’t think he could move. 

An indiscriminate amount of time passed like that. As the pain and adrenaline from the attack passed from his system, exhaustion seeped into every limb. Eventually, he tested his foot against the ground. He was still shaking. _I can still get home, though, can’t I?_

Just as he found his footing, the hinges on the door squeaked.

“Huh–Suga? I thought practice ended a while ago.”

_Ah, shit. Of course it’s him._

“Daichi,” he shoved his chin to the side, praying his eyes didn’t look as irritated as they felt, “It did. I was just...um…”

“Getting in a little extra practice too?” Daichi asked, smile tentative and perhaps a bit forced. _That’s my fault._

Suga didn’t answer, he didn’t trust himself to speak. The corners of the captain’s mouth fell.

“Sorry, you’re probably still mad at me, I’ll just leave you alone,” he breathed. Suga scrambled to think of _anything_ to say that would wipe that look off Daichi’s face.

“No, I’m not mad! It’s just–”

“It’s okay, I get it, you don’t have to explain,” Daichi insisted, dejection permeating every word _,_ “Just wish you’d talk to me.”

Suga watched as his face turned a paler shade of gray. _No color. I’m going to miss seeing Daichi in color._

_I’m going to miss seeing Daichi._

“Oh god, that sounded so bitter, sorry.”

“Don't worry about it,” A burning sensation crept up his throat, “I’m just…gonna go.”

“Yeah,” Daichi’s shoulders slumped, “yeah, okay. Here,” he reached out for Suga’s bag, fingers catching against the fabric of the top and pulling. 

_Oh god._

Time came to a screeching halt as the flap fell open. Suga watched in horror as the tears from earlier fell out onto the floor, scattering throughout the room. 

Daichi stared at the tears on the ground. Suga screwed his eyes shut.

“Suga.”

_Oh my god._

“ _Suga._ ”

 _Oh my_ god.

A thumb brushing his chin had his eyes shooting open. Daichi’s face was inches from his. He tried to jerk away, but the captain's fingers tightened around his face.

“Holy shit,” the other breathed, “holy _shit,_ your eyes are–Suga, what the hell is going on?” 

_Fuck. He knows. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck._

The captain released his face and crouched down to inspect the tears. “These are orange. Isn’t that bad?! What the hell?”

Suga’s mouth flapped open and closed. Sound wouldn’t come out. It felt like the world was ending. 

Anger was simmering in the captain’s eyes, he’d be lying if he said he wasn’t a little scared. “Who’s doing this to you? These are star tears aren’t they? _Fuck,_ Suga!” 

Lip wobbling, Suga desperately tried to keep the moisture building in his eyes from falling. It didn’t help that the aching was back with a vengeance.

_This can’t be happening._

“Suga! Are you even listening!?” Daichi’s hands grabbed at his face again. That was the last straw, he couldn’t stop the sob that wrenched from his throat, nor the actual, liquid tears that burned tracks down his face. His eyes felt like they were going to melt out of his head. 

_Daichi knows._

He couldn’t even keep it a secret from the person who mattered most. 

His friend looked horrified that he was crying. “Oh god, I’m not helping–I haven’t been helping this _whole time,_ ” he cried, all panic, and _that_ was something startling enough coming from Daichi that his breath hitched.

He’d single-handedly broken solid, steady Daichi.

Everything hurt.

Suga collapsed against the captain, unable to hold himself upright anymore. Star tears joined the water streaming from his eyes.

_I’m such a screw up._

Strong arms wound around his back. He sobbed louder.

“Suga,” Daichi whispered.

“I’m sorry,” he croaked, voice completely wrecked, “I’m so sorry.”

“No, I’m sorry, I haven’t been here for you. I should’ve realized something was up.” Daichi sounded so guilty.

“Not your fault.” And it wasn’t. _This is on me._

“I’m here now, you know,” uttered Daichi, sad, remorseful, and _wrong._

_You’re here._

Suga clutched tightly to the back of his shirt.

_Just not the way I need._


	6. as insatiable an appetite

Daichi walked him home after that. Suga’s mom didn’t say anything when the captain placed the bag of tears he had swept up off the floor on the island in the kitchen. Both of their eyes bored into Suga's back as he walked into the bathroom and locked the door behind him.

Suga stared at his reflection in the mirror, his face looked pitifully swollen, and even in black-and-white he could tell his skin was several shades paler than usual.

_I’m a mess. This is such a mess._

He scrubbed a hand down his face. His eyes were glassy, almost sparkling.

_Daichi knows._

The one thing he had prioritized above all else in this whole debacle had blown up in his face. All the secrecy, anxiety, and pushing Daichi away for weeks had been for nothing. He was going to go blind _and_ make his best friend miserable in the process. Giving a weak kick at the thought, his heart fluttered against his rib cage.

_I love him and all I’m going to do is burden him._

Fingers pressed into his eyes of their own violition. His head was throbbing, his throat was dry. It seemed he had no tears left to cry.

He let out a pitiful laugh.

_Isn’t that ironic._

Suga stayed there until he heard his mother offer Daichi a gentle _goodnight._

•••

He stared at the tear in his hand. It was about the size of a quarter, smooth and round aside from the intermittent sharp peaks that marred the surface. A fully formed star tear. 

His mother's eyes were wide from where she watched across the table. They had been eating dinner together.

“Red…” she whispered. She didn’t ask what it meant. Suga didn’t think she needed to. 

Something wet and several shades darker than water splattered against the table. He raised his hand to trace the shallow cut gently pulsing on his cheek. 

_Red._

His food remained untouched on his plate.

•••

Yamaguchi called later that night, as Suga stared hopelessly at the assignment cued on his laptop.

_“Suga!”_ he’d cried, voice bright and clear, _“you’ll never believe it!”_

_“Hmm?”_ Suga had replied, too drained to muster proper words.

“ _Tsukki told me that he likes me! I can_ see _!”_

_Oh._

_“Oh,”_ he’d said, thumb brushing against the end call button.

He’d hung up. He hadn’t meant to hang up, really, his thumb had moved of its own accord.

_I’m not jealous._

He didn’t try to call back.

_I’m not._

Shutting his laptop lid with a soft _thud,_ he stood. 

Suga was well and truly alone.

•••

He had never felt this tired before, both physically and emotionally. They were about a week out from National qualifiers. Things weren’t looking up for him.

Things weren’t looking _at all,_ really, given that Suga could now hardly make out blobs, even with his glasses on, but he didn’t really want to think about that. Given the circumstances, he _had_ to think about it. Constantly. He was at his limit. 

_I just want to be able to do a single fucking thing on my own._

Everywhere he went, someone was always with him. His mom at home, Daichi everywhere else. He’d practically been attached to Suga’s hip since he’d found out. They were finally hanging out again, and Suga appreciated the concern, he really did, but _god_ it was just so frustrating to even need it. _I can’t do anything._

The thought wouldn’t leave his head. The feeling wouldn’t leave his chest. During the day, the exhaustion had him nodding off, at night, The pain kept him wide awake. 

He couldn’t focus. Daichi had come over to study after school like they always used to do, and was sitting, legs tucked beneath him, not two feet away. He was glaring at his math homework as if all the secrets of calculus would be revealed to him if he intimidated it enough. Suga wished he could make out more than just the blurry slope of his brow.

Soon he wouldn’t even have that.

He turned back to his own paper. Biting his lip, he squinted at the mess of ink in his vision. He had no earthly idea what it said, but he didn’t want to have to interrupt Daichi again to have him read the problem aloud. He was already enough of a burden on the captain. 

_I just want to do something on my own._

Fighting against the frustration bubbling in his throat, he brought the paper closer. It was no use, he couldn’t make a single mark out. 

_I hate this._

He couldn’t keep his thoughts from drifting back to his sickness. Even if by some miracle Daichi stopped hovering he still wouldn’t be able to do anything; he was almost blind, he may as well just accept it. He didn’t want to accept it. The disease didn’t care.

The sound of ripping paper didn’t startle him perhaps as much as it should have. He was shaking.

_I’m going blind._

Realistically, he had known this was coming. _Still._ The thought didn’t hold a candle to the real thing.

His hands tore through his hair, tugging at the roots until his scalp was red and burning. It still didn’t compare to the pain in his eyes. Daichi’s attention was now fully on him; Suga could barely make out his face. It felt like he was suffocating.

_I hate this. I’m trapped. I can't get out. I hate_ _this._

“Suga,” came the captain's gentle hush, accompanied by hands tugging lightly at his wrists, “hey, don’t do that, you’re going to hurt yourself.”

_I hate this. I hate this. IhatethisIhatethisIhatethis._ Hysteria was mounting. He didn’t even care enough to keep it under wraps.

“Hurt myself? Who the fuck cares if I hurt my scalp?!” he wrenched his hands out of Daichi’s grasp, voice turning raspy as it ratcheted in volume, “I’m bleeding out of my eyes! I’m just about blind! Who _cares_ about my fucking _hair?”_

He was awful. He was yelling at Daichi, the boy he _loved,_ who had no idea and just wanted to help, and Suga was _yelling._

He couldn’t stop himself.

“You’re _what?_ ” Daichi hissed.

_Fuck._

That all too familiar pressure was building in his eyes. Ringing in his ears joined the thoughts bashing at his skull. 

“S—-a, S—-a!” He was pretty sure Daichi was talking, but everything sounded like it was underwater right then, though, so he wasn’t sure. Bringing his knees to his chest, he curled into himself as the tears started to fall. 

They were _sharp._

Suga cried out in agony as the barbed tears fell from his eyes, nicking his face on the way down to the floor. Small rivulets of blood mixed with the salt water streaking its way down his face, pooling beneath his chin and falling atop the star tears piling at his feet.

He couldn’t see anything but static. He couldn’t hear anything but ringing.

_What the fuck is happening?!_

Terror coursed through his body. He didn’t know how much time passed or what was going on outside of the overwhelming flood of pain. It pulsed through him, from his toes to his fingertips, spilling over at his eyes and tearing at the skin of his cheeks. 

He couldn’t think straight. _Please stop. Make it stop. Make it stop!_

Weight settled against his shoulders. Suga lashed out in panic, foot catching against something sturdy. The tears kept falling. He wanted to scream. _It hurts so bad._

On, and on, and on, and on, and _on._

Eventually, _finally,_ the pressure reached its pinnacle. The tears stopped falling, The ringing faded into a steady dial tone.

The scratches still oozed, everything still hurt. He curled into himself further, unable to escape the dizzying fear.

Panic, less intense this time, rocked him as something grabbed his shoulders once more. He scrambled to escape.

“Suga! Please breathe, I just want to help!” 

Suga took shaky breaths. He could hear again. It was Daichi.

His eyes shot open. The edges of his vision were completely black.

_Daichi saw all of that._

The fight drained out of him all at once, leaving a subtle ache pulsing uncomfortably throughout his body. The panic and anger were gone, in their place was a sickening sort of hollow dread. He didn’t know which he preferred. His heart was threatening to burst out of his chest.

“Suga,” the captain tried again.

Suga just stared at him with wide eyes. _He saw all of that._

“Koushi.”

It was whispered softly, almost reverently. It felt like a stab wound.

The sound of footsteps didn’t register in his mind until the captain disappeared from sight.

_He left._

He let out a borderline hysterical chuckle.

_Of course he left._ _Why would he stay?_

Suga stared at some blob or other halfway across the room. 

He felt empty.

Gentle footsteps had him looking at the door frame once more.

_He's back?_

Daichi’s blurry face filled his immediate field of vision as something cool and wet touched his cheek; it was probably a cloth of some sort, not that he could see.

“Okay, the bleeding stopped at least. That’s good.”

He sounded so gentle. The ache in Suga’s body pulsed.

“Sorry if this stings, Sug’.”

The smell of Neosporin assaulted him as Daichi administered it to the cuts. Suga tried not to whimper in pain as his friend softly pressed gauze to his cheeks and secured it with medical tape. Water pooled in the corner of his eyes.

“All done,” The captain murmured, pulling his hands away from Suga’s face and raising one to smooth across the top of his head.

_He doesn’t deserve to deal with this._

“I’m sorry,” Suga croaked over the crack in his voice, “I’m sorry I’m acting like this.” Daichi’s fingers brushed against his scalp as they carded through his hair. 

“None of that, now. It’s okay, you don’t have to be put together all the time,” the captain whispered, winding his other arm around Suga’s back. His hand settled on his waist. It was grounding. 

“But that’s not fair to you,” Suga argued, tucking his face against his friend’s neck, cringing as his tears wet the material of Daichi’s collar. 

“What’s not fair is that you’re suffering,” countered the other, even and warm and all things _Daichi,_ “It’s okay to fall sometimes, you can always lean on me. You don’t need to feel guilty.”

“But,” he started, attempting to protest. The hand at his waist squeezed gently. 

“But nothing. I’m here and I’m not leaving.”

Suga heaved a shaky breath. _I’m in love with you. I love you._

Even though his world was crumbling, he felt safe tucked against Daichi. He stood there, sniffling and grasping tightly to the captain for what felt like hours. 

Daichi didn’t let go.

•••

Suga didn’t go to school after that. Didn’t think he could handle facing Daichi again.

His mother called him in sick, turned his friends away at the door, hovered anxiously in the hallway.

Suga didn’t leave his room. When he closed his eyes he could almost ignore the tunnel vision.

•••

He hadn’t even considered the emotional repercussions.

Sure, he knew he’d be beyond upset when it finally began to happen. Devastated, even.

The pervasive ache in his throat, though, the hollowness—those were foreign. Frustrating.

Before, volleyball had been his means of venting. Setting up a toss, however menial it might seem to an outsider, brought something personally profound with it.

By no means did he think he was a master, but there was just something satisfying, _fulfilling_ _,_ about honing one’s craft. The glance of the ball against calloused fingertips, the momentary cessation of movement, the transition of momentum into an effortless arc, it all just felt like _release._

He put a piece of himself into every toss, vulnerable where they hovered in the air, but the overwhelming feeling of relief washed over him every time. In those moments, he too was hovering, free of the chains of emotional turmoil for just a small fragment of time.

He couldn’t do that anymore.

It didn’t even feel like he was living his own life at this point, really. 

Feel empty, feel angry, feel pain, blow up.

Wash, rinse, repeat.

_Two days till national qualifiers._ Suga stared at the wall—had been staring at the wall for a while now.

He couldn’t find it in him to care.

•••

Suga supposed he should’ve expected a call eventually. His mother had explained the gist of the situation to the school, but he’d been skipping club with no other explanation than that he wasn’t at school either. 

His mother peered through the slightly open crack in his door, holding his buzzing cell phone.

“Kou,” she said softly, “I know you want to be alone right now, but your phone just keeps ringing.”

_It’s probably Asahi. Or Daichi._

Suga really didn’t want to answer,

“Oh, sorry if it’s bothering you, I can put it on silent,” he offered, squinting in the direction of his mother’s voice. He was guessing the slightly large, pale blob was her.

She hesitated a moment before answering. “It says it’s from your coach.”

_Coach? What does he care if I’m there or not? I’m just a benchwarmer…_

The phone fell silent, and his mother let out a slight sigh. After a moment the ringing resumed.

“I think you should answer it, he’s been trying for a while,” she prodded. The blob came closer and he felt his phone being pressed into his hands.

“But–“

His mother’s hand brushed against his as she reached over him to hit the answer button. “Sugawara! About time you answered your damn phone!” blared a booming voice over the phone's cheap speakers.

“Ah, sorry. Homework,” was his clipped reply. The bed shifted as his mother settled down next to him.

“Homework? It’s the day before nat quals, you haven’t been to practice in a week, and the only thing you have to say is _‘homework‘_?” Coach Ukai sounded incredulous. Suga winced.

“I-I apologize, I’ve been sick. Um,” he broke off, trying to gather his bearings. He wasn’t used to being chewed out. “Did Daichi not tell you?“

“He said you were sick, didn’t exactly elaborate. Sawamura’s not exactly been in a talkative mood; the kid is stressed as all hell. Maybe it’s because his _vice captain_ hasn’t been to _practice in a week.”_

Suga took a deep breath. Losing his cool in front of his friends and family was bad enough, he _really_ didn’t want to lose it in front of his coach.

“I’m really sorry,” he tried.

“What are you sitting around apologizing for? You don’t sound very sick to me. Get your ass over here!”

“But I–“

“Look, Kageyama’s crazy, but even he isn’t going to last a full tournament straight. I need you to play, but I’m not putting you in after seven days of loafing around. Are you feeling better?”

Suga hesitated. He was nearly blind, and had no idea how to explain that.

_This is a chance to play one last time. Just do it for the team._

“Yes,” he lied, “but I really _was–_ ”

“Hey kid,” Ukai cut in hastily, “you don’t have to explain, I believe you. If you were sick, you 

were sick, but we need you here now.”

_Can I handle seeing the team like this?_

“Yeah,” he answered at last, despite everything in him screaming _no,_ “okay, I’ll be there in twenty.”

•••

There was no way to know for sure, but Suga was fairly certain that the entire Karasuno volleyball team was staring at him as he walked into the gym.

He had almost forgotten how _loud_ they could be. A flurry of footsteps and cheers found Suga rocking back-and-forth as his underclassmen grabbed at him.

“Sugawara!! Is your face okay? Did you get a cat?” Hinata hollered. Suga figured his was the hand yanking violently on his arm. He brought his free hand up to his cheek to feel the scabs. _Shit, I forgot about those._

“Suga, man,” Noya yelled, “you just missed it! I tossed up the perfect set! 

Before Suga could respond, pointed coughing had the group silenced in an instant.

“Everyone leave Suga alone, he was just sick! Now get back to work, in case you’ve forgotten, we have a tournament tomorrow,” Daichi commanded, voice far harsher than the gentle sympathy Suga had grown used to as of late. The group scampered off without another word.

He knew Daichi could be scary, but he’d never seen this level of obedience from the rowdy underclassmen. _Just how stressed has he been this week?_

Suga gulped as the guilt took hold.

_It’s probably my fault._

“Hey,” Daichi hummed, and _oh,_ that was a lot softer. His heart gave a pathetic squeeze.

“Hi,” he managed. Despite all the pain, being with Daichi still felt _right._

“What are you doing here?” The captain asked, “Your mom wouldn’t let me in all week so-” He stopped talking, suddenly. Suga’s stomach dropped. 

“So?” he prompted.

“So I figured…well,” Daichi paused, sounding sad, “I—Can you see, Suga?”

The question hit him like a ton of bricks. He shut his eyes, fighting desperately against the wobble in his lip.

“Yeah” he said finally, settling for honesty, “barely.” Daichi took a sharp breath.

“So then what–“

“I’m playing tomorrow.” Suga left no room for argument.

_One last time._

“ _Suga_ , no. That’s not safe. I can’t let you–“

“Daichi, _please,”_ he begged.

_One last time with you._

He held his breath. Daichi sighed and dropped a hand onto Suga’s shoulder.

“Does coach know?” his friend asked.

“Well, no,” he admitted.

“ _Suga._ ”

“ _Please,_ ” he tried again, “Please. I need this.”

Daichi’s hand slipped from his perch and down his arm. His fingers grazed Suga’s palm as he fit their hands together, giving a slight squeeze.

“Okay,” he whispered finally, “you can play.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> One more chapter to go! Thank you all so much for your support insofar <3


	7. it's safe to say

Suga hadn’t slept. He had been kept awake by racing thoughts of _“will we? won't we?”_

It was the most he had felt in a while.

When he went to say goodbye to his mother, she pulled him into a tight hug.

“I’m so proud of you,” she mumbled against his hair.

_Why?_

The question tasted bitter in his mouth. It died on his tongue.

•••

Funny that he had hailed today as the beginning of finally, _finally_ achieving their goal of making it to nationals for so long.

Now it just felt like the end.

_This will probably be the last time I ever play._

Suga gritted his teeth as he stepped onto the bus, squinting so as not to trip. He didn’t think he could handle the embarrassment.

Daichi’s hand hovered right over the fabric of the back of his jacket. Even hardly being able to see him, Suga could feel the worry rolling off of him in waves.

_As if I wouldn’t notice._

Carefully, he made his way down the aisle.

_Shit, where do I sit?_

A hand, presumably Daichi’s, tugged his wrist to the right. He turned that way, sitting down where the outline of the seat was just barely visible. The captain fell in beside him with a sigh.

“You still want to play today?“ he murmured, Voice still scratchy with sleep. Suga swallowed around the lump in his throat.

“Yeah," he managed. 

“Suga,” Daichi sighed, “You’re sure?”

"Positive,” he answered. _I need to say goodbye._

Daichi’s hand fell onto his thigh, squeezing lightly for a moment before stilling. 

“I don’t like this." It was barely more than a whisper.

_Trust me,_

Suga squeezed his eyes shut and let his head rest on the captain‘s shoulder.

_I don’t like this either._

•••

God, he was _dizzy._

They had won their first three games.

_We’re doing it. We can do it._

He couldn’t think straight. He could, however, feel Yamaguchi anxiously buzzing nearby. Guilt flooded him as he remembered the phone call.

_Fuck. I just mess everything up._

“Sugawara?” He was pretty sure it was supposed to be a question, but Yamaguchi‘s voice came out as more of a squeak.

“Hmm?” His fingers dug into his sides as he swayed on his feet.

“Are you...okay?" The younger’s voice sounded tentative. Suga didn’t answer, too focused on not falling over to process the words. “oh, sorry, you’re probably still upset with me…”

“I’m not– _ngh_ ,” He broke off with a grunt, “I’m not upset.”

“But you hung–” 

“I’m. not. upset.” he gritted out. Yamaguchi jumped away with a small yelp.

_Get it together, asshole._

“Sorry,” he hissed, shutting his eyes in hopes of combating the nausea, “didn’t mean for it to come out like that.” He sighed. “I’m not angry with you, I promise.”

“But it was so insensitive of me–”

“You were happy,” Suga interrupted, forcing a small smile on his face. He hoped it was reassuring. “I can’t begrudge you that.”

_Can’t say I don’t envy you, though._

“Still!”

“Don’t worry about it. Enjoy your happiness, I’ll be just fine.” He fought to keep his tone even.

_I won’t._

Yamaguchi fell silent after that, attention seemingly turned to the game. Suga struggled to cheer along with everyone else in the box whenever the team scored a point. What little he could see of the world was spinning.

The screaming of the crowd only served to increase the severity of the pounding in his head. He kept his eyes trained on the court, unable to make out anything more than moving blobs.

He had no idea what was going on.

Watching as something flew through the air and smacked into another large mass with a sickening _crack_ , Suga bit down hard on his lip.

_What the hell?_

Beside him, Yamaguchi let out a gasp.

“Daichi’s hurt!”

His heart stopped. “ _What?_ ”

“Tanaka and Daichi, they— _is that a tooth?_ ”

He didn't catch any more after that; he couldn’t hear over the blood rushing to his head. He couldn’t breathe.

_Daichi, oh god, Daichi. I can’t see, is he okay?!_

Desperately, he willed his lungs to start working.

_What’s happening?!_

The pressure was building in his head.

_No. Not here, not now. Please, just a little long–_

His knees gave out beneath him, and he collapsed in a heap with a weak cry. Tears tore at his skin as they burst from his eyes.

 _No. No, no, no, no, no, no, no,_ no _._

He couldn’t feel anything outside of _pain._ Pain like he’d never felt before. Burning, burning, _burning_ —it wouldn’t stop.

_Help._

Tear after tear fell, cutting his face in their descent. Blood and water pooled at his chin.

_Help, it hurts. It hurts._

It felt like he was dying. His limbs wouldn’t move, A piercing tone rang out in his head.

_Please._

He could feel the tears piling around his hands, digging shallow cuts into those as well. Years seem to pass as they fell. 

_This is hell._

His arms buckled, sending him face first into the floor. His head rattled. The pressure seemed to amplify.

Suga clamped his eyes shut as hands grabbed him and rolled him onto his back. Clawing at his face, he willed the burning to stop.

“Kid, kid, can you hear me?!” The pain was all encompassing. He couldn’t discern who the voice belonged to.

“What happened to him?” Another, more feminine, voice joined the fray. A gentle set of hands tugged at his arms.

“Sugawara! Kid—oh shit, that’s _blood!_ ” Something, a towel maybe, wiped at his cheeks. He barely held in a scream as it pressed into his cuts.

“He needs to go to the infirmary, he can’t be on the court like this.”

_Please let this all just be a nightmare._

Suga groaned, unable to manage anything more.

“Sugawara, do you think you can stand?”

_No._

“Mmph,” he vocalized.

“Can you at least look at me?”

Slowly, he cracked his eyes open, expecting to be assaulted by the bright ceiling lights.

Instead, he saw nothing.

_No._

His sight was gone.

•••

Kiyoko walked him to the infirmary, keeping a steady hand on his shoulder and a steady presence at his side.

Everything _hurt_.

He had thought he understood before exactly what full blindness would entail. He was nearly there, after all.

Nothing compared to the absolute darkness.

Stumbling forward, he tried desperately to grasp at the memory of what exactly this hallway had looked like. It was frustrating knowing things were there that he’d seen before that he couldn’t see now. That he’d probably never see again.

He breathed in yet another gasping breath, unsure if he was still crying or not. his face felt like it was on fire. His eyes felt like they were swollen shut.

Not that it really mattered, anyways.

“We’re here,“ Kiyoko announced, voice not betraying any emotion, “just on the left.”

Wordlessly, he followed her into the room, flinching at the sound of a familiar voice.

“Suga?!” Daichi exclaimed, voice taut with pain, “Kiyoko, what’s he doing here?”

“He was bleeding,“ was all that she offered as explanation.

“Oh _shit_ , Suga, don’t tell me…” He trailed off, seeming to catch on to the fact that Suga’s eyes weren’t tracking anything. Suga turned his chin sharply to the side, choking down the sob that threatened to escape his throat.

“Where’s the nurse?” asked Kiyoko, steady as ever.

_She’s not going to be able to do anything for me._

“She went to go grab some ice for my face.” The manager ushered him into a seat as Daichi explained. He let out a gasp as he sat, his whole body felt sore.

“Alright, well, I’m going to go fetch some water for you two. Don’t pull anything funny, you hear?” Kyoko set off, all determination and quiet worry. That just left the two of them. Suga gulped.

“Suga, are you–”

“Don’t say it.”

_I don’t wanna hear it. Not from you._

“Are you–”

Anger bubbled in his chest. “Don’t say it.”

“Look–”

Suga stood up, unable to contain himself any longer. The reality of everything that had happened was sinking in.

"Look?” he seethed, voice edging towards hysterical, “ _look?_ How am I supposed to look? I’m fucking blind!” 

_I’m blind._

He collapsed back into his seat, sobbing into his hands.

“I’m blind,” he whispered, voice broken.

He felt broken, too.

"Suga."

No response.

When he spoke again, the captain's voice was low and measured. “Who did this to you?”

He sobbed louder, pressing the heels of his palms into his eyes. _You._

“Suga.”

Broad hands wrapped around his wrists. His lip twitched. _You._

“Suga, who? I’ll talk to them, we can fix this.”

A deep breath in. His mouth parted ever so slightly. _You._

“ _Suga,_ who could possibly be worth all this?”

It was like a crescendo of feeling, each and every thing he had experienced at the hands of the disease culminating into this one moment in time.

The loneliness, the pain, the _tears_.

“You.” 

All at once, everything he had bottled up for so long escaped, leaving him with nothing but the numbness in his body and the chill in his heart to keep him company.

_Who else could it be but you?_

Time seemed to freeze. Daichi didn’t utter a word.

A beat.

Another. 

Nothing.

Feeling hollow, Suga rose to his feet. Daichi didn’t say anything.

He made his way to the door frame. Silence.

“The game is probably over by now,” he uttered. His tongue felt heavy in his mouth.

He left before Daichi could respond.

He hadn’t gotten to play today.

•••

Numb.

There was nothing else to describe the all encompassing chill that had seized his body.

He had left without telling anyone on the team. Didn’t even check to see if they had won. He’d called his mom, and she’d come without question.

The moment, that pivotal moment, had played on repeat in his head the entire drive home.

 _“You.”_ he’d said. 

Daichi, in turn, had said nothing. 

Now here he was, laying listless in bed, face pressed into his pillow as if the darkness were nothing more than a product of that. Nothing felt real anymore. Everything was simply a shallow mockery of what once was.

_I’m blind._

Realistically, he knew there were solutions for this sort of thing. People were born blind, after all. He didn’t want to accept that he needed solutions. Lying there, he waited for feeling to come back, any at all. It didn’t. The fabric of his pillowcase rubbed uncomfortably against the cuts on his face. 

He didn’t care.

•••

It felt like an eternity passed and yet no time at all before his mother knocked on his door. He couldn’t be bothered to care about time.

“Kou,” she called, voice softer than he’d ever heard it. He didn’t answer. “Can I come in?“ He didn’t move.

His mother took that as a yes if the slow squeak of the door hinges was anything to go by.

“There’s someone you need to talk to.”

His fingers curled into the sheets.

_What?_

Another pair of footsteps joined his mother’s. He cringed at the sound of the familiar gait.

_Please, no._

Daichi let out a soft exhale. His mother’s feather-light footsteps faded down the hall. Neither of them spoke a word.

The silence stretched on for an uncomfortable beat. Then two. Finally, Suga cleared his throat.

“Your injury… are you okay?” His voice sounded flat to his own ears. Lifeless.

“I’ll be fine,” The captain replied, unfairly gentle and _feeling._

Suga rolled onto his side, facing the wall opposite the door. “Ah,” he deadpanned.

“Suga,” The other started. Suga curled in on himself, tucking his knees to his chest.

“You can go, you know, this isn’t your fault,” he said. 

_Please go._

Daichi didn’t move.

_I don’t want to hurt anymore._

“It is, though. I did this to you and I have to fix it,” Daichi argued.

Outrage simmered in Suga, permeating the numbness. He sat up, turning to face the direction of the door.

“You don’t _have_ to do anything,” he spat, tearing frustratedly at the blankets beneath him, “I did this to myself, just leave me alone!”

“But I can fix it!”

“Stop,” he pleaded, voice falling into despair. Too many emotions were flooding back into him at once.

“I lo–” 

“ _Stop._ ”

A hand clamped down on his shoulder.

“Suga, I love you.” Daichi sounded so damn convincing. Hearing that sparked something in him. A searing pain that knocked the wind out of him.

“Daichi,” he growled, “I know you want to help, but this is too far.”

“But it’s the–”

“No! Stop lying! I know you, you'd do anything for your friends, even live a sham just so I could see,” Suga cried, voice breaking as it raised in volume. _He wouldn’t,_ couldn’t _love me after everything I’ve put him through._

“Fine then.”

_I knew it._

Daichi leaned in close, mouth inches from his ear. Suga shivered, but stood his ground.

“Let me prove it to you.”

_What?_

Lips brushed against his forehead, a thumb against his bottom lip, and–

_Oh._

Daichi was kissing him. It was the ghost of a touch, a soft, steady pressure. A hand slid down to cup his jaw. 

It felt _nice._

Slowly, the captain drew away. Suga’s eyes fluttered open, he hadn’t even noticed he had closed them. He certainly noticed now.

_No..._

There, amongst the darkness, was the faintest outline of Daichi’s face. _Surely I’m imagining it._

“Suga,” his name was whispered, spoken like a secret just for them.

_Surely…_

He lifted his hand, reaching out for the blurry shape. His fingertips skated across skin, right where the face appeared to be. Daichi’s breath hitched, quiet but audible. Silent save for the sound of measured breathing, neither moved. Anticipation, warm and rapidly expanding bubbled up in Suga with each blink. He almost expected the lines to disappear.

They didn’t disappear.

His lips parted, but nothing came out except a gentle puff of air. Daichi’s free hand covered his own against his cheek, silently encouraging him. Suga gave a small tug of his wrist, prompting the captain forward. He followed with little resistance.

Their lips brushed once more, soft and hesitant. Warmth flared in his chest, seeping outwards till it itched at his fingertips. It felt like reawakening a sleeping limb: not unpleasant, just odd. Emotional pins and needles. Suga pulled away, just barely, to rest their foreheads together. They stared at each other, chests rising and falling heavily.

“Daichi,” he breathed at last, disbelief coloring his words, “you weren’t lying?”

He prayed he wasn’t imagining the tuggings of a smile at the corners of the other’s lips. 

“No,” Daichi answered, voice raising by the second with anticipation, “No, I wouldn’t lie, not about this.” Suga’s heart throbbed hopefully. Overwhelmed, he pressed his face into the side of the other’s neck.

 _Daichi loves me._ He wouldn’t believe it if not for the outlines scattered across his vision.

“I can see,” he whispered against the skin there, “shapes, I can see them. _Daichi.”_ His throat constricted as tears pooled in his eyes.

They didn’t hurt.

The heavy intake of breath paired with the elation was dizzying. After seconds with no response, he raised his head to make eye contact with Daichi. The captain's mouth was parted into a small _o._ A smile, a real, _genuine_ smile spread across Suga’s face.

_I can see him._

He pressed his thumbs into the corners of Daichi’s lips, unable to contain the bubbling laughter that escaped him. It felt strange to be crying while laughing after everything that happened, but in the moment it just felt right.

“Dai, I can _see_ ,” he stressed, sniffing as Daichi’s thumbs worked careful circles against his cheeks, wiping away the tears.

“I’m so glad. God, I’m so glad it was me, Suga,” the other admitted, “I couldn’t stand seeing you hurting and being able to do _nothing_ about it.”

Suga let out a choked sob at that. It was all so much after the aching emptiness that had haunted him as of late. _Daichi loves me._ The captain looked alarmed at the noise, but Suga was quick to butt in.

“Happy tears, they’re happy tears,” he promised. Daichi’s shoulders slumped in relief and he let his hands slip down over Suga’s body to rest at his waist.

He felt secure, satisfied in a way he hadn’t experienced in a long time.

Daichi’s eyes drifted shut, and Suga leaned forward to meet him in the middle. The gentle pressure was grounding. He felt like he was buzzing. His body was humming, leaning infinitesimally closer to the source of the warmth. Suga had forgotten what it felt like to feel _good._

Of course his brain decided right then that it was imperative he yawn. The captain pulled away with a soft chuckle as Suga’s mouth parted around the intake of breath.

“You must be tired,” he murmured fondly, eyes alight with amusement. Suga could just barely make out the gleam. He managed a small nod in response. Daichi’s hand pushed gentle pressure on his shoulder, prompting him to lay back. The other’s weight shifted as he moved to get up.

“Wait,” Suga pleaded, not quite ready to part with the warm feeling in his heart so soon after getting it back. His fingers caught around a retreating wrist. “Stay.”

Daichi‘s eyes softened as he turned to look back at Suga. “Alright,“ he acquiesced, “scooch over, then.”

The setter quickly moved over, allowing Daichi to lay on his side beside him. Immediately, he burrowed against the warmth. The other’s arm fell across his waist.

A small flame lit in his chest, starting to thaw the ice that had settled there.

Suga drifted off with a small smile on his lips.

•••

“You’re sure?”

“He said he could see shapes.”

Suga stirred awake at the sound of voices. He was loathe to sit up, he just felt so comfortable.

He wasn’t used to being comfortable, these days.

“Mmmm,” he hummed in lieu of an actual greeting. A deep chuckle resonated against his side.

“Well good morning to you too, sleepyhead.”

_Morning?_

His eyes snapped open.

_Wait._

He could see. Clearly.

Suga let out an excited gasp as he scanned the room. His mother was standing a few feet from the door frame, while Daichi sat up next to him on the bed.

_I can see._

“Koushi?” his mom asked, sounding hopeful.

He made eye contact with her. Her eyes widened, shining with unshed tears. She took a running start of the bed, vaulting over Daichi who let out a startled noise.

“Oh honey!” and there came the waterworks. She pulled him into a crushing hug.

Suga figured she had earned the right to be a little embarrassing after everything she’d done.

“Yeah," he said, “I’m excited too."

“Kou,” she sniffled.

“Yeah," he said again, gentler, happier. She tucked her head into the crook of his shoulder.

“I was so worried," she sobbed, “you just seemed so empty.”

“I’m sorry," he murmured, running his hands up and down her back “I’m so sorry, mom.”

She pulled away, wiping furiously at her eyes. Then she smacked him on the shoulder.

“Ow!” He refused to believe he had just shrieked from that, in front of Daichi, no less.

_Geez, she’s stronger than I realized._

“No apologizing!" she chastised. Daichi let out a grunt as she pulled him in next.

“Welcome to the family, Dai-chan!” she wailed. The captain smiled at him over her shoulder.

_Welcome to the family._

Suga was happy.

•••

They won.

Even without their captain or their vice, they won.

Suga stood outside the doors to the gym, his home away from home for the past three years. They were playing Seijoh today.

And he was excited. He _cared._

He could see.

Daichi stepped up beside him, knocking his shoulder lightly into Suga’s.

“How are you feeling?” he asked, so soft it made Suga melt a little.

“Good,” Suga answered honestly “I feel good.”

He had his mom, he had his teammates, he had volleyball back. His _sight_. 

Finally, he could see a future for himself that wasn’t miserable.

He had Daichi. 

The captain's fingers brushed against his as they walked through the doors of the gym. Emotionally, physically, he was still exhausted, but the raucous cheers that met him as he made eye contact with the other members of the team sparked something pleasant in him. A warmth that sent a gentle hum through his veins.

_I’ll be okay._

For the first time in a while, he believed it.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> And that's a wrap! Thank you to each and every person that read, left kudos, and commented :').
> 
> This was really just a way of venting about my own injury, so I will forever be grateful for the support.
> 
> I hope you enjoyed!! It was a pleasure to write and interact with all of you. <3

**Author's Note:**

> Thank you for taking the time to read!! Comments and Kudos are always appreciated and make my day <3


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